What could have been.

- Chapter 32 -

I haven’t told a single person that Joseph called me. And I don’t feel as though I need to. I have no intentions of going to see him when he does come to visit so why should I hassle everyone by telling them he called?  

Because you’re losing, you’re God damn mind thinking about it, Sienna. That’s why. 

My subconscious has a point.  

Although, I can’t wrap my head round why Joseph would want to meet up with me. After all this time, well it’s only been a few months but still enough time for our lives to not be connected in any way thereby in no way should it become reconnected. Right?  

I can’t help but feel that I’ve already burdened my friends with so much of my problems or life situations. Do I need to bother them with more? 

Everything is too much right now in my life. All I’m doing lately is bringing down the mood with my friends a lot of the time. 

Brody, Eden, Jocelyn and I are no closer to figuring out who spiked me. We spent most of our lunch breaks going over everything and still we’re no closer to remotely knowing what happened and we haven't found any informative leads in our rouge investigation.  

Perhaps, the best thing for me to do is find closure in not knowing what happened. It is unrealistic of me to uncover the truths where there is no evidence or suspects.

Especially, since were just four college students. What possible answers can we find if three of the four weren’t even there that night and I was stupid enough to be drunk before even getting spiked. My guard was down, yes. And because of it my version of that night is hazy and useless.

It could be for the best. 

It will always be playing in the back of my mind but finding a way to still get through my day without it destroying me is what I probably need to do.  

What if I did uncover the truth and it hurts me even more. I can’t become more damaged, I won’t recover.  

A tightness in my chest causes me to lean forward in a gasp for breath at the thought. Grabbing a fist full of my coat near my chest I let out a heavy sigh. Defeated, I sit myself up slowly on the seat. Thankfully, the carriage is empty. Relief flushes over me that no one - not even strangers - saw me at this moment.  

The truth hurts. I remind myself. No matter what it is it will hurt me. My focus should be on what my truth is.

My truth is that I know what happened, those I care about knows what happened and that’s what I will have to live with. Hopefully, the person that spiked me is facing their demons, most likely silently. I’ve come to learn first-hand that’s the most painful way in dealing with it. Their truth- that is if they can even feel any form of guilt toward what they did – will eat them alive and I have no sympathy for them. 

The tightness in my chest is only getting worse. Only now, I'm also annoyed at the thought of that person. 

I need a distraction but I’m on my way to work from campus on a tram so there is not much I can do right now.

Music. I should listen to music.

Closing my eyes, I release a sigh.

Hopefully, my music will flush out all my indecisiveness toward Joseph. Calm me of all my anger and hatred for a person, more so the actions of that person because the likelihood of me finding out who it is, is an unrealistic expectation to have.

Opening my eyes, I unlock my phone and hit play on a playlist of all my favourite songs. A text from Cole flashes on the screen. Relaxing into my seat, I open the message. 

Cole: Let me know when you’ve arrived at work.  

And there it is. My momentary distraction, Cole. A distraction I know will work.

Cole and I have been, well, us for just over two weeks. We’ve only seen each other three times since our little day out as we’ve both been busy, him with work and me with catching up on assignments and work.  

Me: Nearly. Will be there in 15mins. How’s work? 

I have the late shift, thankfully with Jocelyn and Clementine so it shouldn’t be so bad. I’ve already changed into my horrendous uniform, sneaking into the girl's locker room to change so I don’t have to try and do it in the small cubical toilet for staff in the back of the restaurant. Mr Alton doesn’t like us changing in the main toilet that the customers use as he thinks it will- and I quote- “ruin the illusion of their experience”- end quote. Whatever that means, I don’t want to risk him getting pissed at me as he’s a charming guy but when he's angry, it’s like lasers shoot from his eyeballs. Not very nice.
 
Cole: Busy but I like it this way. The day goes by quicker. Text me when you get there and I’ll call later? 

He’s admitted he hates texting and would rather call so we tend to video call each other in the evening or sometimes while I’m travelling to campus. At the moment he is also at work until 7 pm but I finish at 10 pm.
  
Cole: Is that ok? I’ll call you around 11?  

Me: Perfect. Talk then. 

Sometimes it feels like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I overthink, a lot. I know I do but since being Friends with Cole I feel calm. He still knows nothing so whatever it is that he does to help is unintentional on his part but very much needed on mine. I feel as though I’m floating in a cloud where all my worries and fears don't exist.