What could have been.

- Chapter 40-

Am I hallucinating or are the walls closing in on me?

I can’t stop pacing from the build-up of what Cole has to say to me. I have a multitude of emotions; I can’t settle on just one. 

Nervous, confused, nauseous, suffocated…deceived.  

Cole has been in the hallway whispering to Jonah for a few minutes. Jonah wouldn’t leave, telling Cole he will be heading out but needed to talk to him desperately beforehand. I’m not sure what to think of Jonah. He seems reserved like his brother and Cole. He can be a little intimidating. 
The feeling of suffocation is surpassing the others.

Why is there no air in this room?  

I feel like I can’t breathe. 

I feel trapped.  

I need air.  

My breathing has become heavier. Taking in deep breathes through my nose that only quicken the more time I spend waiting in his room.
I need fresh air.

Now.

I tumble back, gripping onto the bedpost to stop myself from falling back. My erratic breathing method is only making me feel lightheaded. 
I need to be outside.  

Half speed-walking, half running, I leave his room, heading down the short hallway to his front door that I hope is open or at least an easy door to figure out how to open.  

I had thought Cole and Jonah were talking in the hallway but they’re nowhere in sight. I noticed the door opposite Cole’s room was slightly open, maybe they were in there, whispering away, about me?  

The door handle rattles under my touch, opening the door I don’t bother to look back. My pace has picked up, a panic that he heard the door slam behind me only makes me quicken as I rush down the hallway. Reaching the elevator, I press the button continuously until the door opens in front of me. Stepping in, I feel my chest tighten, gasping out for air, I hunch forward, placing my hand over my chest.  

Why can’t I breathe?  

Seconds have gone by, the door barely closed as I press the ground floor button.  

A hand reaches in stopping the doors from closing. “You left.” Coles words come out weak. The door begins to shut again, Cole slams his hand on one side, causing the doors to retract, opening wide, again.
“I need some air,” I say through a strangled breath. Nodding his head, Cole steps into the elevator, standing beside me, both of us with our backs to the wall. 

The ride down is silent. I hurry out of the elevator as soon as a gap wide enough allows for me to leave. Sitting on the curb outside, I inhale a steady breath. I can see Cole in the corner of my eye step down on the curb and sit next to me with his knees bent. Staring straight ahead I ask Cole, “Who told you?”  

Without hesitation he replies. “No one. I was with Jocelyn when she got the call about what had happened.” 

Rolling my eyes to fight the tears from being released. How is it, this is the second time I've made myself believe someone has blurted out the truth about me to him where the only truth is he has always known for himself.

“I didn’t lie to you, Sienna.”  

“You knew this whole time.”  My words come out fast and sharp, if they were daggers, they'd certainly leave their mark.

“I knew yes but it wasn't my place to bring it up.” 

A car horn takes Cole’s attention away from me, allowing me enough time to stand and begin walking away.

Betrayed- my most recent feeling.
The heavy wind rattles through me as I try to navigate my way away from him without stopping.

“Will you just stop walking for a sec?” I don’t stop walking, although, it’s not hurried anymore. A calm has taken over or perhaps I'm becoming numb, either way, I continue ahead, not turning back.

“Fuck’s sake, Sienna. You can’t really complain about me running away when you’re doing the exact same thing.”

I stop in my tracks. Turning to face Cole that has also stayed put in where he is a few metres away from me.

“This is not the same!” 

“It pretty much is.” Flinging his arms up in the air. Pointing a finger at me, he continues, “I need to talk to you, and you keep trying to leave.”  

“Don’t patronise me!” 

“Stop shouting.” He says calmly. Truthfully, I didn’t realise I was. “Do you really think you would have been ok with me bringing it up?" My body tenses. Would I have been?  "If I’d come up to you and blurted it out, would you really have stayed?” No, I would have bolted. “I understand that it hurts that I kept this from you but what else did you expect me to do.” He takes a step closer; I don’t move. “I believe you.” He takes another step toward me. “Please let me back in.” Another step closer. “Please, I’m sorry.” Closing the gap between us, he cups my cheeks. Leaning down he places a single kiss on my forehead. “Please, Sienna. I didn’t know what else to do.” Tilting my head up, we lock eyes. “Forgive me?”

I believe you. Three simple words. I could count on one hand the amount of people that have said those simple three words to me.

It’s enough for me to stay because I believe him. I believe he’s sorry. I nod, collapsing into his chest, I let him hold me while a crumble.

Defeat takes over, I'm exhausted from it all. I'm tired of feeling on edge all the time. I'm tired of questioning whether I should move on. I’m tired of not knowing who knows what. I'm tired of pushing people away.

The rhythm of his heartbeat soothes me while I cry into his chest, along with his reassuring words of "I'm here Sienna." and 'It'll be ok," while stroking my hair.

Traffic has begun to build up. Cole moves me behind the side of a building away from anyone.

Using the sleeve of my coat to wipe away the mess on my face, I pull back. I choke on a sob when I see the mess I’ve created on his t-shirt. Smudged mascara I’m pretty sure is from two days ago when Jocelyn forced me to go to work with her and my tears have created a – ironically – heart shaped wet patch. Using my other sleeve, I try to wipe in the hopes of somehow getting rid of my little masterpiece. Cole takes my hand in his, “Don’t worry about it.” I look up at him and he's smiling down at me, letting out a little laugh when my face settles into a sad pout, bottom lip out, giving the full effect.

“How are you feeling?” 

“I feel lost. I don't know how I want to deal with it.” I bite the inside of my cheek. “One minute I’m determined to find out who did it, the next I’m scared that I will be more hurt if I did. Then I have moments where I think I can move on then I catch someone looking in my direction and I lose it again; I lose myself and I want nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.”  I lean into his side. “I feel like I’m dragging it out.” I half-laugh. “Not that anyone would expect me to get over it.” 

“I doubt you ever will.” Looking over at me. “Will get over it. But maybe you just have to figure out how to live with it being a part of you, with or without an answer of what truly happened.” 

“Yeah maybe.” 

“Sienna?”

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t think you should let this incident define you. People will talk, no matter what. Let them. But if I can give you any advice- not that I’m any good with giving it- you should figure out how to let it be a part of what people know of you but don’t let it be everything...you know.” He looks down shyly. “If that makes sense?” 

“It does. Don’t let what people say about me be all that I am.” 
He smiles, taking my hand in his. “Yeah. You said it a little better than me though.” 

“I can’t believe you knew when we met at the soundproof place.” Bringing my free hand up to my face, I hide behind the added embarrassment that Cole knew when he found me crawling on the floor which was already an embarrassing enough first encounter. He must’ve thought I was a weirdo. 

“That’s not when we first met.” He says flatly. 

I snap my head up in his direction. “What?” 

He shrugs, with a faint smile teasing his lips. “That’s not where we first met.”

“Yes, it is. You found me crawling on the floor after losing my phone.”

“I recall what happened, Sienna.” Dropping his head, he lets out a laugh. “You really don’t remember do you?” 

My eyes widen in horror from the realisation that the likelihood of what he could mean. 

“It was last year.” 

There’s my confirmation. I cringe and hide away behind both hands. I hear him laugh again. 

“No need to feel embarrassed, you didn’t do anything that bad.” 

“That bad?” 

He met me during my party animal stage, that alone is humiliating that he saw me in that state. I was a hot mess, dancing on tables, drinking an endless number of drinks and joining in in every drinking game going. Well, so were most people but it’s always embarrassing when you've met someone when drunk. Especially, if you don’t remember.
“It was New Year's Eve. Liam dragged us to the frat party you were at to see Jocelyn.” 

I thought Jocelyn started seeing Liam in April. Cole puts my confusion to bed, explaining that they had only just started talking and he liked her, so he wanted to make a move which I know Jocelyn didn’t accept as she was secretly seeing someone else at the time.

My cheeks begin to burn from the heat while Cole recounts our first encounter. “I stepped out for a cigarette and to get away from the noise. There were loads of people on the back porch, so I followed a path taking me further down into the garden. It was practically pitch black; I didn’t realise until I got there how far down it was.” 
I remember. It was Joseph’s frat house. The garden wasn’t very wide, rather long. Then it hits me. My secret spot. At end of the garden, there was a little hammock. It wasn’t actually a secret more so other people attending the party wouldn’t bother heading to that end of the garden as it was dark unless they were hooking up which I had seen, annoyingly enough. I liked it because it reminded me of my garden and hammock back home. I’d go there to have ‘me’ time, typically after Joseph and I argued. 

“You came tumbling down a few minutes later.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words. “You didn’t spot me straight away, then I saw you nearly fall off the hammock while trying to climb in and I couldn’t help laughing.” I slap the side of his arm, before recoiling into my imaginary shell, this is not the first impression I’d want to give anyone. 

“When you did notice me, you kept on telling me this was your spot.” Closing his eyes briefly, the corner of his mouth turning upwards into a smirk, as though recounting the memory in his head. Hopefully, I didn’t do anything else embarrassing if he can’t help but laugh at the memory.

“You tried again a couple more times before asking me to hold the hammock so you could climb in which I did.”  He pauses. Looking down at his hand, twiddling his thumbs, he looks over at me through his lashes. “You looked beautiful.” 
I can feel every part of me melt from his confession, taking him in, I smile, taking his hand in mine, watching as his cheeks redden.

“You laid there for a few minutes, eyes closed, humming a song to yourself.” He smiles. “I think you forgot I was there. I sound like such a creep, but I couldn’t move, I stayed standing there watching you happily be in your own little world.” He looks over at me. “Some guy-Joseph- I think, came over and started apologising to you about something so I left the two of you alone.”

“And that didn’t scare you away from me?” 

“No. the opposite. When you returned to the party, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Jocelyn clocked on, she gave me a lot of shit and told me I had no chance.” 

“Of course, she did.” 

“She’s right. I had no chance. I still feel like I don’t.”

“That’s not true.”

"Let me have this. To me, you're out of my league." Looking down from the sudden shyness caused by Cole’s confession, I blurt out. “You have no shoes on.” He must have left in a hurry after me, wearing only black socks.

Huffing out a laugh, he replies. “You have pyjama bottoms on.” 

Touché.
 
Kind of relieved that we’re out of sight from anyone roaming the streets. I can imagine the number of looks we’ll get when they spot him in only his socks and me in pyjamas. 
We sit in silence for a few moments before Cole speaks. “When are you seeing him?” 

Turning my head in his direction. “Hmm?” 

“Joseph. When are you meeting with him? or have you already met with him.” 

With everything that happened between Cole and me, I didn’t care to meet up with Joseph regardless of my initial intentions. Honestly, I’d be kidding myself to believe he remembered anything of use. Meeting with him would have probably caused more problems than anything, especially if we were seen by anyone. The rumour mill on campus would turn uncontrollably to a point I’d become a total recluse because of it. 

“I decided I wasn’t going to meet with him. It’s for the best.” 

“Are you sure? You said he might have information…Sienna, if it’s because of how I reacted, I’m sorry…I-”

“It’s not. If he had seen anything he would have said it when I was being accused at the hospital. He said he didn’t.” I shrug. “No point in rehashing that side of my past at least.”

“As long as you’re sure.”

“I am.” I lean into his side, I feel his body relax, leaning back onto the wall, wrapping his arm around my waist, pulling me back with him.
I really am sure. For once, well as of right now, I stick by the decision not to see him.

We spend of few minutes, sitting, silently, happily in each other's company. After checking the time and realising how late it is, I tell Cole I need to head back home as my parents and brother are coming down to visit tomorrow. We don’t move from the spot until my Uber arrives.