You Are The Reason

12

Kerry

The clock ticked by the unwanted silence. My head spun with obvious questions that could sound really silly if I voiced them out. But then I was incapable of letting out a word. The ride from the hospital to my apartment was a silent one. I fell speechless after Noah's confession. Even the time ran at tortoises pace.

Noah was currently in the kitchen, making us hot chocolate. I was glad for my back to be facing him because I could feel his eyes on me almost every second. We both haven't spoken to each other after his confession rather than a simple 'yes' and 'no'. What was even there to say? He said 'I love you' like he meant it, like he cared and really did love me. And those emotions swirling in his brown eyes sent me into waves of shock and made me wonder if I was in a dream.

How can someone fall in love with the other in just two or three meet ups? And how can Noah fall in love with me? I didn't flirt, I don't even know how that is done. I never gave any indication of sticking around him. Worse, he saw me crying, he listened to my life experiences and yet he loves me. No, I must really be in a dream. He can't fall in love with me at first sight. That sounds cliche. That's just not possible.

Love. What even is that? I don't know love or how to love and be loved. I don't even know if my parents loved me or not. They did leave me with the cruelty of this world so yes, I have never known love and neither searched for that word in a dictionary.

There's alot of things that I don't know. Like why I hugged Noah at the hospital, like why I enjoy his scent so much, and why I think about him when he isn't there.

"Kerry,"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked up as Noah placed two mugs on the coffee table and kneeled in front of me. That look in his eyes, like he wanted to say more and say all, made shivers run down my arm.

"You haven't said more than a word. It... its worrying me. I'm sorry that I was fast to let my feelings out. It's just I was tired of holding it in as I watched that guy making you smile and laugh while I couldn't. I know I'm selfish but I get selfish when it comes to you. This... what I feel and what I'm saying, I have never said or felt for another. Never. I can't read your thoughts and its killing me to know what you are thinking right now."

I let out a sigh.

"Noah, I don't know what to say. You said it out of the blue and I was lost for words."

His eyes saddened but the smile on his face was still there, hiding that he got sad.

"I know. You don't have to say it back."

"Noah–"

"I'll just wait when you are ready to give me an answer."

I could tell he was withdrawing himself and suppressing his feelings inside his chest again. But his words were sincere and it touched my heart.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." I apologize quietly.

His fingers intertwine with mine making me look up at him in surprise. The emotional Noah was back. I could feel his feelings bursting open.

"I didn't get hurt. Kerry, I want to prove to you alot of things. Will you give me a chance? Will you allow me to show you how much I care about you? Can I atleast take care of you just this once?" He asked softly.

He was asking me if he could show me his love, his care for me. Was I ready for this? Honestly, no. But there's just something about this guy. He makes me feel safe and sound, I have grown to like him for every little thing he does. Whenever I catch his scent in the air, it makes me want to hug him. I find it weird but I can't help it. I can take a risk if I want to but can I risk everything for that one word, love? I'm scared. I got scared when Noah confessed so much to me. But another side of me felt like trying to give him a chance and see where this goes. I wanna know what it feels like to be loved.

"Kerry?"

His eyes, those brown orbs, they begged me to say something. Could I? What if he realizes that I'm not the one he lives for and there is something else to live for? I can't stand to get hurt all over again. It's not easy to pick up the broken pieces and fix them in the right places. Someone once said that, even if you pick up the pieces and fix the China dolls, you can still see the cracks in them. I was just me, imperfect, too simple for someone's liking, and just quiet. And Noah is someone gorgeous, he knows his way around anything and everything, and there's so many girls out there for him to choose from.

"Please say something."

"Will I get hurt? I mean–"

"No. I'll never ever hurt you and I swear I'm not like those guys out there. I'm just me. And I'll let you see more of me." He said sincerely.

"Noah, why me?"

"Because it's you. You are that shining star lighting up my world, you are that rainbow I yearn to see, you make me feel things that no one else can do. And to sum all that up, you are you. I could never ask more from you, Kerry. I just wanna be that person who can give and do all for you. I won't be perfect but I can try. I want to be in a small world with you, just you and I."

"I'm scared." I said honestly.

He smiled up at me and straightened up so that our heights matched. My breath hitched when he placed a hand on my erratic chest, right where my heart beat was going wild. And then he placed my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beating rapidly under my palm, it was like we were in sync.

"Does this change your mind now? You make me feel like this just without doing something and I know I do the same to you."

Breath hitching and voice barely audible, I asked "What are you doing to me?"

"The same thing you do to me, Kerry." His hand gripped around my wrist.

"Let's see where this goes then." I said with a small smile.

...

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