The Senior Trip

Chapter 41

HARPER

I know he is beside me even though the sheets separate our bodies. He was right, we had no other option if we didn't want to lay around in our wet clothes. After the last few nights, I am really looking forward to sleeping in doors and free from mud and dirt.

"Will you tell him how you feel when we get home?" Asher asks.

The roar or the party is long gone and I thought he had been sleeping. I guess I'm not the only one that can't relax.

"Who? Ezra or Finn?" I ask.

"Either? Both?"

"I don't think I could ever be direct about it. TO be honest, I haven't had much time to think about what I want to do. If I shoot my shot and get turned down, then I risked my friendship with Ezra. It's not worth it. And if I shoot my shoot and he likes me back, then I still lose Ezra," I answer honestly.

"Would he really stop being your friend over this?"

"Not at first. I think he'll feel betrayed that I didn't tell him sooner. Then I think he'll feel left out if his brother and I get closer. It's kind of a lose-lose situation." I take a deep breath, hoping the oxygen will chase away the thoughts that are now spiraling in my imagination.

"So your relationship with Ezra is more important than your potential happiness?"

"Yes." I answer quickly. No hesitation. "I've lived this long without having Finn as my boyfriend. I could live a life time."

"You're a loyal friend. But," he says and I can feel his weight shift as he moves to his side, facing me, "if he were a loyal friend that cared about you he would want you happy."

I stare up in the darkness for a moment, letting his words sink in. I tried to imagine what it might be like if I were with Finn. For some reason the image is just out of my reach. It's crazy since I've been dreaming and thinking of him for years. I turn over on my side and face him.

"What are you going to tell Jess on your beach dinner date?"

The silence stretches between us. I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling to get a grip of what I want.

Asher lets out a long sigh. "I don't know anymore. I've had so much fun with you these last few days, I'm afraid maybe I've been missing out on what could be without her. Maybe she's right. Maybe we need to experience life for a while on our own."

"Maybe," I say. "But I think if you allow her to leave the door open to a potential getting back together, you won't truly be free."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"I think if you are always holding on to the hope that she is coming back and you will make things work, you won't be able to fully commit to anything or anyone else. You'll be living your life half in one dream and half in another." My hand draws circles on the sheets between our bodies.

"You don't think those wise words apply to you and your Finn situation? What if you meet a nice guy and something clicks? Don't you think you'll always wonder what could have been with Finn?" Asher asks. His hand moves to rest near my invisible circles. I can feel the heat from his body on my skin.

The truth is, I don't know anymore. "I think I focused on Finn because he was my first crush. He's the first boy I see as something other than a friend. Maybe some other guy will come along and sweep me off my feet. There's a chance I won't even remember Finn." I stop drawing the circles when Asher's hand steadies my own with his warm palm.

"You never forget your first crush," he says. A small, carefree laugh escapes his lips.

"Don't try to tell me Jess was your first crush," I say.

"No, not my first crush. I never told my first crush I liked her. Things ended badly for us when she bounced a ball off my head during dodgeball in second grade."

I laugh and let the weight of his hand press mine flat into the mattress.

"Do as I say, not as I do?" I ask sarcastically.

"No, more like learn from my mistakes. Maybe telling her I liked her would have saved me a trip to the nurses office." Asher is smiling. I can't see it, but I know it. His fingers begin to run up and down my arm as we talk.

I can feel myself getting sleepy. I stifle a yawn. I don't want this moment to end so I refuse to close my eyes. I can hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof above us and the louder trickle of water where it's gathering before dripping down onto the window. This isn't the wild and crazy hotel scene I had pictured for the last few months. There's something about it that feels comfortable and soothing.

"You're still cold," he says, his fingers running up the goosebumps on my arm.

"A little," I answer.

"Do you trust me?" he asks.

"Yes," it was a quick answer again. This boy has been by myside for the last few days, doing his best to keep me safe and comfortable.

"Roll over."

I do as he says, adjusting the sheets to make sure none I'm covered. I look over my shoulder behind me when I hear him begin to move. He slips on arm up beneath my neck, wrapping it around my covered chest. Then he moves his warm body to fit along mine. There are sheets separating us, but the heat seeps through. His other arm lays over my hip, his big hand sprawling out to cover as much of my leg as it can.

"Go to sleep, Puddle," he teased.

And if I wasn't so tired, I might have stayed awake long enough to ask him how I'd know when I was over my first crush and falling for my second.