D A M A G E D • HS

11

TW: mentions and themes
of depression, drug use

ARLO P.O.V

Depression

What a loaded word.

By book definition depression is: feelings of severe despondency and dejection; a constant feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

A mental illness that affects more than 280 million people in the world.

I'm one of 280 fucking million people that find themselves more times than not, so empty inside, questioning if they are a person or just a lifeless body.

I'm one of 280 fucking million people that find the simple things in life too hard to even attempt.

I'm one 280 fucking million people that struggle to feel.

Maybe that's just me...maybe I'm the only one that feels like that.

Depression is something that's been part of my life since the beginning of my time. I vividly remember when I was four not wanting to brush my teeth because the idea of leaving my bed and walking to the bathroom felt impossible.

Now, I know young children usually hate brushing their teeth, but not me. I was always on top of it. I looked forward to standing in my bathroom and cleaning my teeth for two minutes. I felt satisfied by the smooth and squeaky feeling that was left on my teeth after I finished.

I was and still am a very hygienic person. I take showers everyday, only washing my hair twice out of the week. I have a morning and night skincare routine that I follow to ensure my skin is as healthy as possible. I brush my teeth twice a day, right when I wake up and right when I go to sleep. I also carry floss with me everywhere I go because I have a fear of having food in my teeth.

At four I may have not established a skin care routine yet, but I still showered everyday and brushed my teeth twice a day.

One morning I woke up with this strange feeling inside. It was like there was a weight on my chest that made it impossible to move. I had mysteriously lost all of my desire to do anything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed all day while I looked up at the ceiling and questioned why I was even alive.

It wouldn't have been the first time I questioned my existence. I did that a lot, when I'd go to daycare, sit in the car looking out the window, or go shopping. There would be random moments where time would pause and all I could think about was why I am on this earth.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I just wanted to go back to sleep for the rest of the day and wake up when it was tomorrow. I had these thoughts floating in my head that made me want to scream from how painfully loud they were.

That was the first time the voices in my head made an appearance

They were telling me the most awful things that no four year old should ever have to hear. I remember the voices were my mother and father, continuously scolding me for being alive.

I wonder if that was the moment I started to believe the words that my parents would tell me were true.

That day I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't shower, and I didn't eat. I stayed in my bed feeling hopelessly worthless.

I would say I'm depressed all the time, there isn't a moment where I don't feel like a black void of nothingness. My depression isn't always to the extreme of doing nothing but lay in bed all day.

For the past three days however, I suffered through the worst of my depression. For three days I didn't move from my bed.

My room was completely trashed to the point I could barely see the floor, and for once I didn't care. I looked at the mess and shrugged it off.