D A M A G E D • HS

15

TW: mention of drugs

HARRY P.O.V

Contentment is a funny thing.

The idea of feeling peacefulness is foreign to me. Like an impossible puzzle to crack. It's something I desire to know, but have no clue where to find it.

Is it possible to long for something you don't know? Is it possible to crave a feeling that you've never felt? It's as if there is this hole inside of me, that begs to be filled, but by what is the question.

I've been empty for a long time. I've been fucked since the moment I entered the earth. Bound to be nothing but an inconvenience.

It's comical how, when I yell at Arlo, and tell her awful things about herself, I'm really just telling her what I am.

I'm unloveable, I'm a waste of space, I'm worthless, I'm a problem, nobody likes me, I'm a fucked up person, I'm irresponsible, I destroy peoples lives.

I don't show it, but I'm a fucking mess. My head is a dangerous place, my feelings are a wild and unrestrained thing. The constant battle I deal with everyday is one that wears me out to the point of fatigue.

It's my fault

It's my fault

It's my fault

I'm not this perfect guy who has life set for him because I got lucky being born into a rich family. If I'm being honest, I got unlucky.

Money doesn't matter for shit. I'm aware I flaunt it around and that being rich is one of my few personality traits, but it's all a front.

I really do wear a mask everyday

I've learned to hide my true feelings around people. I have everyone fooled into thinking I'm this macho, happy go lucky guy, who's better than everyone.

In reality, I'm far from that. I'm this fucked up in the head person, who is a pathetic monster.

I don't ever get a breather from the pain inside of me. It's a constant loop of nonstop stabbing, clawing and ripping. My chest always feels tight, my mind always feels numb and I always feel empty.

So maybe me craving peace isn't strange at all. The way it's described makes sounds like the most addicting feeling ever. I'd sell my soul just to get a glimpse of this so called 'peace.'

Maybe then, for a second I'd stop feeling pain, I'd stop feeling guilt, and I'd stop hearing her voice. Maybe I could sleep at night, or smile and mean it to the fullest, or even just be able to not constantly need distractions.

Lacrosse is the only thing that can distract me for a long time. That's why I put my all into it. It's the only thing that can take me away from my head.

Well until...

I feel a strange buzzing on the side of my ribs. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming the feeling or if it's reality.

My neck feels like it's on fire and there's a weight on my chest. My hand is touching something silky and soft. I feel warm, extremely warm. I also feel very relaxed, as if I've been soothed by a sweet lullaby.

The buzzing continues, forcing me to stir slightly. As I try and turn, I'm unable to. Something is weighing me down. My left arm feels numb, my legs feel tangled with something. My nose is filled with the scent of coconut and sweetness.

What the fuck

Even though I don't want to, I reluctantly open my eyes. They burn from how dry they are, which is a normal occurrence for me.