Dear Diary

10/25/19

       Seriously what the FUCK is wrong with me? No one likes me, no guy finds me girlfriend material, no one finds me special. Am I not good enough? Am I too ugly? In a friend group I'm the loner, everyone has a partner... I feel like i'm the stupid ugly witch. 

        I can't say anything about this to anyone, because they will hit me with the same stupid bullshit, "it's just a phase". Or that it's all in my head, but It does not help at all. It doesn't change anything, how I feel about myself, how I feel around everyone else. 

         I try to cry, so hard to the point my head hurt, but I can't because I guess my body got used to not showing any emotion other than happiness. Everyone expects a perfect girl, but I can't seem to generate her, because someone will eventually pick and choose something they don't like. I can't even recognize myself, i don't know who I am, I am living in body that I don't know. 

          Where is that motivation that people talk so much about? Where is the will to keep going, I am so tired of fighting to stay alive or convince myself why I am still here. I let everyone down, no matter what I do, I let myself down! I don't want this, I need someone to hear my cries of pleading, someone to grab my hand and pull me out the water for me to stop drowning. I need help, but it doesn't seem to be available in my world, everyone else have their own issues, I am being selfish, overdramatic and so much more. 

           I really don't see myself successful in 5 to 10 years, at this point I am just prolonging death, we are all going to die either way. What am I fighting for exactly?? Do I deserve to be happy or feel that unconditional love that books talk about? This lifestyle is suffocating. What is the damn point?. I am tired, you have no idea. 

A/N: I am still alive, damn it's crazy how I just had a mental breakdown a couple days ago, but I am a bit okay now. Everyday is a surprise. How is this year treating you guys? It is really hard to struggle with Anxiety, depression and a developing eating disorder. At this point I didn't understand what was going on with my mind, which is why I was so confused.