Nobody Knows | Jeon Jungkook

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I squat on the floor, my arms wrapped around my knees as I stare at the wall in front of me. Traces of my blood, which poured through the skin as I repeatedly hit the wall with my knuckles, are still visible and will remain there for a long time as evidence of my despair until someone decides to paint over it.

Shivers run uncontrollably down my spine, but I don't know if it's because of the mild breeze coming through the open window in the hallway or the stress hormone still coursing through my veins. But I think it's the latter.

I still can't believe what's happened, and if it weren't for the beeping of the patient monitoring system directing Irina's heartbeat muffled through the door to me, I'd think this was all just a bad dream. I wish I could wake up with her by my side and drink a glass of cold water to erase the horrible images of a nightmare.

But I know it's all real. I know it all happened and it's not a bad joke of my brain or the anxiety of my subconscious.

I can't even feel my legs anymore because I've been squatting for what feels like an eternity and my legs are slowly starting to fall asleep. But I don't dare move, fearing that my muscles probably couldn't keep me upright anyway.

I'd give anything to be the one on the operating table instead of having to wait here in fright. Instead of having to fear that the surgeon will step out of the room at any moment to tell me the bad news.

I know Irina is a strong woman and she will get through anything, but I can't help but let the bad thoughts take over my senses sometimes, causing a few tears to fall. Not that the tears have stopped streaming at all.

Twenty-three minutes ago I was pacing before pounding on the door because I heard a change of noises coming from inside. My heart started hammering and I had this weird feeling inside like my rhythm was changing and skipping beats.

I couldn't breathe properly and that scared me. Afraid that something would happen in there and no one would tell me. I was afraid that something would happen to Irina and I would be standing here behind the door not noticing anything.

I begged the surgeon and the woman to let me in until Taehyung stopped me, telling me not to distract the doctor and that he had everything under control. I wanted to believe him so badly and I had no choice but to do what he told me because, despite my desperate attempts, no one heard me.

And since then, I've been sitting here waiting and waiting and waiting.

I bite my fingers, probably ruining the natural shape of my nail bed while the metallic smell of blood churns my stomach. I'm glad I hadn't eaten anything, because that would have already ended up all over the floor otherwise.

"Jungkook!" I'm shaken awake vigorously and my eyes slide up the body next to me until I'm looking into the dark orbs of Taehyung, who looks surprisingly worried. "I've been calling your name for almost two minutes."

I want to save my apologies for another moment and that's why I just stare at him until he then sighs and squats down next to me. He puts a hand on my shoulder as if quietly comforting my suffering. I know Irina means a lot to him too, but no one would be able to relate to my pain and guilt.

"I brought you a clean shirt," he says as he holds out a dark gray shirt in my direction.

"I don't want it," I mutter and continue to chew on my lower lip.

Taehyung sighs again, but he doesn't seem to give up. "Come on, put it on. You wouldn't want Irina to see you like this, would you?"

After hearing that, that lump rises in my throat again. I want to fight back the tears, but I don't even know if I have any left. I look from the wall in front of me to Taehyung at my side, who still has his hand on my shoulder, squeezing once in comfort.