The Carrero Contract - Finding Freedom (Book 3 of Contract Trilogy)

3

Alexi steps towards me and I step back. A clear signal I don't want him near me, and he relents. Stopping himself and moves away instead, to give me space, the flicker of pain evident as his eyes dip to avoid me for a second.

A show of real emotion. Who knew he was capable of such things? Capable of showing me he is human after all.

It just makes the ache grow, spreading from my stomach out to every limb and even my face trembles with the agony I'm feeling.

"You were always worthy. I just screwed everything up. I was scared, I was torn, I was lost in my own mistrust of you. Blinded by what I believed. I was protecting myself."

He sounds how I feel. Like he knows that this is pointless, and the past is more than can be overcome.

"So, what changed?" My voice cracks, face wet with my sadness, and I curl my arms around myself and try to give self-comfort from the internal pangs running through me. Clawing for answers to the mountain of doubts and questions within me.

"You tried to hurt yourself because of me. And then I almost killed you in desperation to stop you. That night changed everything. You can't keep lying to yourself when your heart is lying in a hospital bed after you almost lost her."

I never knew a sentence could rip my heart to shreds, but that one does. Choking me with a lump in my throat so I have to swallow hard and breathe through another sob. His voice wracked with strained emotion.

Alexi reaches one hand towards me impulsively then retracts and shoves them both in his pockets as though he assumes it will make him less likely to invade my space. He shuffles on his feet uncomfortably, looking ashen and pale for his normally tanned self, and I start to go numb as my body takes over to shield me from hurt. Tears rolling down my face but all that goes with them dulls. I'm just so exhausted.

"If that's true then why did you leave me there, alone? Why did you tell me to go then try to pay me to leave you alone? Why didn't you come for me, or tell me then?" My head is scrambling back in time, for the questions that plagued me for those months. The number of times I told myself he never cared about me. He owes me answers. Months of loneliness and scraping by to survive, when he could have ended it all before it began.

"I never left you there alone. I was beside you until I knew you would be okay. Then I did what I thought was best, to protect you. Get you the hell away from me so I could never hurt you again or push you to hurt yourself. I didn't know what else to do to make sure you wouldn't try a second attempt after recovery. I never wanted you to die, or get hurt like that, and I wasn't sure you wouldn't do it again if I didn't let you go." Alexi's voice softens hugely, as do his eyes on me, and the anger that was firing between us simmers to something gentler. He moves closer slightly, pulling his hands out and I stand my ground eyeing him warily. The tension has evaporated, and I'm too tired to keep fighting him.

"I don't remember you there. I don't believe you." Another tear trickles down my face, words uttered softly and this time he reaches out and brushes it away. His touch, so unwanted yet so longed for makes me flinch at his caress, but I still don't move away. Rooted to the spot as my heart aches for answers from him, stopping myself from closing my eyes to savour the gentle way he wipes my tears. For so long I wanted him to feel something for me. So many nights I cried myself to sleep because I believed I was nothing to him.

Yet with one simple caress, a lot of little moments surface to give me a new perspective on recent times with him. A reminder of the man who consoled me after Feral died. Miami, before he beat someone half to death.

He was in there, but I failed to see it until now.

The knee-jerk reaction I had to his uttering of those words is simmering as my confuddled mind tries to piece these things together. My emotions already waning from fatigue as though I just cannot take any more for one night. Confusion taking over, and I'm combatting my own feelings and thoughts.