self love

it's okay to miss toxic people

I feel like this year has challenged me more than any of the other 18 years I have experienced. This year i've loved and i've lost. I've lost friends and relationships. I've even lost myself. But with all that loss i've gained so much too. On the last chapter I spoke about how I had cut out some friends from my life after realising they had a negative affect on me and didn't care about me enough to be worthy of being in my life. Doing this brought me so much peace and happiness and I believe 100% I made the right decision. However, there's one thing that no one ever talks about and its the loneliness that can come from making the right decisions. I always want to be authentic and honest with what I share with my readers and I don't think it would be fair to share a chapter about cutting toxic people out of my life without being completely honest and talking about the feelings of sadness that comes with it too.

 After removing these people from my life I felt instant relief and peace. It was like I had been carrying around dead weight that drained my energy. I was happy to be free and I didn't feel like I had any expectations or responsibilities to save people who wouldn't even save me. I still feel this way and as I said I know I made the right decision but one thing I never considered would be that I would miss these people. I miss having a group of friends to call on to hang out and go to social events with. I miss having people to message. I miss having people to go places with. It can be a lonely. I got myself in a state of battling with my loneliness and wondering whether it was worth going back to these toxic people just so I wouldn't feel alone. But the truth is i felt alone when I was friends with them. 

I realised I missed the memories and what they use to be like, not who they are now. I was holding onto the past and hoping those good times would return but they wouldn't. I learnt to be lonely, I learnt to enjoy my own company and how to be my own best friend. I fell back in love with reading. I focused more on self care and I worked on myself so that I could be the best version of myself for me. And eventually the new friends came. I had more self love and self confidence by being alone and that naturally attracted like minded people. I have new friends who have the same interests and who care about me as much as I care about them. 

Removing toxic people from your life can be so lonely and I know that at times you'll feel like running back to them but if you listen to anything from this chapter, please listen to this, its not worth it. You need to learn to love you and be happy in your own company. Just remember its okay to miss these people, miss the memories and miss the past. 

You will be okay.