Ode to the old us - Tsukkishima x fem reader

8. not-quite-love story

Song: Lonely fool by sundarta
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I leaned against the railing of a small bridge, watching the water flowing below me. 'Shit... I feel so guilty, I've just been leading him on, haven't I?'
"Y/n, I'm guessing you have an answer..?"
Levs voice called
I looked up at the man with a sad smile, nodding.
"I'm sorry lev...' I hesitated to continue, but the look I'm his eyes was more than enough to tell me there was no need.

He gave a soft smile but the hurt was still clear enough
"That's alright. Can you at least tell me why though? I thought things were going really well... if I did anything wrong, please tell me."
Lev stared at me, his emerald eyes glistening slightly with tears.
I hate this feeling... I hate hurting someone I care so much about.

"You didn't do anything wrong at all. You made me feel something for the first time since my engagement fell apart. You brought back a light that had been missing in my life and I am endlessly grateful to you for that.
But I couldn't love you... no matter how hard I tried to fall in love, it wouldn't happen.

I do care about you lev, so much more than you know.
For a moment there I really did believe that I had fallen in love with you. But what I fell in love with was the idea of feeling that again... the idea of being in love again.
I'm so sorry lev, I don't want to hurt you... but that's why I need to do this now rather than later."

sometimes no matter how deeply you care for someone, there's something missing... I don't know what it is, but its what tips the scales. It's the little thing that turns a no into a yes... why couldn't I have felt that with lev?
Lev seemed content with the clarity you gave him, understanding your decision. "would it be weird to ask for a goodbye hug?" He asked, chuckling slightly.
"I'll do you one better." I brought myself closer to the man, cupping his face gently with my hand and kissing him softly. It was short and sweet, a simple ending to a simple not-quite-love story.

I broke apart from the man and went back to my spot on the railing, watching the water below me. A strange mix of clarity and guilt filling me.
I noticed lev looking at the water next to me. He didn't take his eyes off of it when he spoke.
"You saw kei at the reunion right? I'm guessing that has something to do with this realization?"
Something between a sigh and a laugh escaped my lips. "Yeah... I'm not even sure what he wants, but I'm hoping it works out better this time."

"I'm sure everything will work out, and I'm always here to talk when you need to."
"You're a very good person lev... thank you."
"Of course" he smiled, backing off of the railing. "I'm gonna head home... ill see you y/n."
"See you lev."
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I made my way to the bar, hoping a drink might take the edge off.
Though when I walked inside, my eyes were drawn to a man. He sat under the dim lighting of the bar, is head lay in his hands, hovering above his whisky glass. Even with his face covered, the ring on his right hand made it more than clear that it was the one and only Tsukkishima Kei.
"Kei... you alright?" I asked. He looked up at me, clearly tipsy. "Y/n... We can still be friends right?" His voice was a bit whinier than usual, he sounded sad...
Friends... right, what else did I expect? He never explicitly said he still had feelings for me.
"Of course..." I replied, though even I noticed my voice wavering.

I took my seat beside the man, ordering a drink. When it arrived, I held the glass up for a toast. Kei doing the same, "to drowning our sorrows." I joked, tossing back the drink, feeling the alcohol sting at my throat.
"What sorrows are you drowning away?" He  inquired.
"Long story... maybe I'll tell you some other time." I replied, I figured there was no need to tell kei I ended things with someone else, sheerly out of the misguided hope that he still loved me. "And you?"

[keis POV]

"And you?" She asked in return. Well... I certainly can't give her an honest answer.
I gathered my courage today to bring her flowers, babys breath which contrasted my old usual, azaleas.
In all honesty I haven't a clue if she even found the note in them, maybe she threw them away as soon as I left the shop. Nevertheless, I tried to stay hopeful.
The sun set and I decided to go for a walk, in hopes of getting my mind off of things. It wasn't the same park we used to always run into each other, still though... part of me hoped I would see her there, just like in high school.

And I did, I saw her talking with another man. I know I have no right to be jealous, we've been apart for so long... I should have known she didn't love me anymore. But I really hadn't ever realized how painful it would be to see the love of my life kissing someone else.
I left after that, wanting to avoid any uncomfortable conversation. I wasn't sure where I was going but eventually I found myself at a bar. I walked in, hoping that if nothing else, I could forget my pain for a spell.

Yet only 20 or so minutes later, she walked in. And now we're here... drowning our respective sorrows away, I wonder what she's sad about?

"Also a long story..." I replied after what felt like a century, though in reality it had only been a few short moments.

_____[second person]_____

"Kei.. where would we be if we didn't break up..." You asked, speech slurred from a night of drinking.
Kei stopped to think for a moment "probably not drinking at..." he paused, pulling his phone out. "One in the morning." He chuckled.
You let out a deep breath. "I gotta go home..." you mumbled to yourself, shifting your gaze over to Kei. "How far is your hotel from here?"
"20 minutes or so, why?"
"My apartment is down the street, wanna crash there?" You asked, part of you knew that was a bad idea, unfortunately that part was not in control at the moment.
kei gave you a soft smile "sure."

After paying, the two of you made your way to your apartment as gracefully as you could. In other words, not very gracefully.
You pushed open the door to your apartment, quickly scampering into another room. "I'll go get you blankets."
Kei only hummed in response, distracted by the sight of baby's breath flowers placed in a vase on your kitchen counter. The note he left you was next to the vase, moving closer he noticed tear stains on the note.

"You alright kei?" You asked, setting the blankets down on the couch. You made your way to the man who seemed transfixed  by the flowers.
"You kept them.."
"Of course I did."
Kei stepped towards you, wrapping his arms around your waist and nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck.
Slowly, he brought his face up, looking into your eyes, leaning in...

"You're drunk... I don't want you to regret this."
That's what you should have said. You should have pushed him away and waited until he was sober to talk.
But you weren't sober either...
You leaned into his kiss, ignoring all conscience and only listening to the long-repressed longing to be with kei.

[to be continued]