After 9 years living in the city, you finally return to your old town, Paradis. The city of Marley was a suffocating place that you needed to get away from. After leaving Paradis behind at the age of 10 with your mom and brother, running from a brok...
Why did I freeze up? I knew I had hurt her, it was clear in her voice. The way it was so quiet, scared that if she spoke louder, it would shatter into a million pieces. I felt my own heart squeeze in my chest but I just couldn't say it.
She didn't stay that night, making up some excuse saying Sasha needed her for an emergency. She didn't even care to make it realistic, she just needed an escape. I didn't blame her, I would've done the same if roles were reversed.
God, I was an asshole.
I needed to clear my head, thoughts were jumbled up and made me feel dizzy. A shower, that's what I needed. Something to wash away everything I despised about myself. My lack of commitment being one of many. For others being tied to someone was so easy but I just could wrap my head around it.
She and I had been together for months and I was completely committed to her, spending time to know her fully. I cared about her a lot and I did see a future but it was exhausting. Not only was I deep in the burdens of a relationship, but she wasn't the easiest either. It was no easy task caring for you, you had a tough life and it's something you continued to deal with. Now I dealt with it too, her crying, insecurities, addiction, how could I keep up?
I can't count how many nights I had to comfort her as she sobbed into my chest. Not that I minded, I enjoyed that she trusted me enough to handle her fragile state but, it was a lot to handle. Especially for my first time.
How could I care for someone so much but feel so... trapped?
I stepped in the shower and let the hot trickles of water trace themselves down my body. I pictured each one being her fingers, wondering my body with admiration. She always did that.
I placed my hands against the shower wall, letting my head hang under the showerhead. My eyes were staring intensely at the floor until even the floor was too overwhelming. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I couldn't though, one thought plagued my mind.
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Was this all some fucked up fantasy I had created? A world where I could make something like this work? Could this work? Did I want it to?
Maybe I had convinced myself this was best for me, maybe I didn't actually like her. I could just be staying for the sex, just like old me would have.
I'll leave all this, for now, she did say I didn't need to give her an answer till I was ready. First I was going to sort out my feelings. Distance could be good, if I miss her, then I know my feelings aren't one-dimensional and if I don't, well, that's my answer.
I stayed in the shower for far too long, Marco was sure to scold me. Now that I was out, my head was still foggy. I think it will be for a while.
My phone buzzed and my heart dropped, it had to be y/n, probably saying goodnight or something. I took my sweet time walking over to it, hands trembling as I flipped the screen towards me. It wasn't y/n, it was Kate, asking if I wanted to get coffee with her tomorrow. Normally I'd decline but it could hurt, right? A good distraction to clear my mind.
