Eyes of Fire | Bucky Barnes

12

"I would like to talk to you, James."

Taking a sip of his tea, he watched from over the rim, dark lashes sweeping low with a blink before his gaze returned.

They hadn't talked about his nightmare, or the situation that ensued because of it, and it'd already been a couple of days. He knew the day for this conversation would come sooner rather then later. And when the woman found him brooding over a cup of rooboo; well, he'd known she'd have something to say.

Uxolo offered a gentle smile, as if reading his mind, and said, "I've had a few thoughts, and I guess I'd like to perform an exercise, of sorts."

"That right?" James asked, his brows high. He reflexively rolled his shoulders, wincing slightly when the muscles in his non-existent shoulder twinged.

The temporary lack of his metal limb was giving him an especially hard time today, but he was slowly getting used to it. It wasn't like it was being hidden from him -- Shuri called for him every other day to get it out of her lab already -- but he wasn't sure he was ready for it again.

"I'm ready when you are, since you're running the show."

"Am I?" Uxolo echoed with a teasing smile. "When was the last time you took some time to practice self-care?"

He blinked; he hadn't been expecting this type of conversation.

"I stayed in the shower for two hours the other day," James commented. "I also went out to the city and tried a little bit of the street food."

"You stayed in the shower or were you stuck in the shower?" She asked, and looked pointedly towards his missing limb. "If you need assistance, all you have to do is ask."

"I can' tell if we're doing feelings or if you got something cooking up in that head of yours," James huffed irritably, looking over her shoulder instead of at her. He let silence stew between the two of them for a moment, and then, upon realizing that she had no intentions to fill it, added, "I have had enough of sitting around and relaxing."

"James, I want you to look at me."

Uxolo said it slowly, but with that same sense of determined sincerity that she always threw at him. Something that managed to make him equal parts uncomfortable and recognized.

There was a few seconds of pause once their eyes met before she was asking, "You are neglecting yourself. Why?"

"I'm not worth it."

James looked shocked the moment the words came out of his mouth. But he said it as if that was enough of an explanation.

He scoffed at himself and shook his head, turning away from her and drowning himself in more of his tea.

"James." His mind had only begun to stray when her soft voice was drawing him back in, "You are worth far more than you realize. Far more than you are willing to accept."

"You don't know the kind of shit that I've done," James rebounded, simply to prove her wrong. His breath escaped him in a rush, sweat beaded at his brow and his eyes darted around, searching for an escape he wouldn't get. Even if he left Uxolo where they'd been sat together, the thoughts would only follow him.

Uxolo motioned for him to sit back down and he did so quickly, his back hitting the metal with a terrible clang.

"What is it you fear the most, your past? Or confronting the present?" Dipping her head she smiled. "I do not know what it is like, James—"

"No, you don't." He interrupted, "y'think killing someone is easy? It's not as easy as pulling the trigger. You have to watch as someone's brains splatter on the wall, and the image never goes away. It follows you. It, is a nightmare."

She reached out for his flesh hand, currently his only hand, her expression softening.

James slumped over almost immediately at the show of comfort, his eyes dropping to the table as he struggled to catch his breath. His shoulders hunched and his jaw clicked as he tried to control himself.

"I'm afraid of everything," James whispered, looking to the side quickly, keeping his gaze trained elsewhere. "I'm afraid that someone is going to show up and take me back to that. I don't even deserve this, after everything I've done. Those people I..."

A tear rolled down his cheek and he clenched his teeth together and grounded out, "I killed them and I shouldn't get this instead of them."

"What happened to them, what happened to you, none of that is your fault. It never was, and it never will be." Uxolo gently intertwined his hand with hers, cradling it in her palm.

"I can see myself, that kid, signing up for the army..." He smiled for a second, but it faded faster than it came on, "He had no idea what he was signing up for."

"Victims never do," Uxolo said, "because it's not their fault."

"Victim?" He scoffed, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

"James, what they did to you-"

"But what I did to others-" he started.

"What they did to you," She repeated, firmly, "What they did was cruel and monstrous, but that doesn't mean you are. You signed up because you were, and still are, an incredibly valiant man. What came next was out of your control."

She squeezed his hand, "Now you've got that control back."