At Your Service || 𝕝𝕖𝕧𝕚 𝕩 𝕡𝕝𝕦𝕤 𝕤𝕚𝕫𝕖 𝕙𝕚𝕤𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕔 𝕠𝕔

Chapter Twenty Four

"Wait" I called out to Hange, who had reached the desk and picked up the letter

"What is it?" Hange asked as I took the envelope from their hand

"Erwin told me he would leave me this" my voice trembled as I spoke "if he didn't make it back, I was told to read it"

"Should we give you some time?" Levi asked from behind me

"I don't mind if you both stay" I smiled to him, Levi nodding back

I removed the red wax seal and opened the envelope. I unfolded the papyrus, feeling Levi and Hange's eyes peer over my shoulders as I read Erwin's last words to me:

"My dearest Mariana,

I hope you may never see this letter. If you do, that means I am gone.
Instead, I hope I can come back to this and read it myself, to give me the strength to tell you everything I have written on these pages.

I must admit, when I first met you, I was a foolish old man to think that you would ever fall in love with me. When I saw you, I knew I wanted to give all of me to you but soon I found your heart was with another.

I know Miche loved you dearly. He told me in confidence that he wanted to leave the scouts so he could marry you. I was filled with a jealous passion as I saw him embrace you. I longed for that to be me. I wanted to be the one to marry you.

I felt as if I was in a competition, Miche versus myself, to see who could win your heart. Yet, neither one of you knew there was any competition. And here I am: the victor. But at what cost?

I could have left everything to Hange so you and I could live the life Miche wanted to live with you. I chose him and his team specifically for their last misson. I was hoping the distance would give us a chance to grow closer. It was pure luck that he died.

I found myself feeling thankful for his death with the pure rush of greed I shouldn't have felt. As I write this, I feel guilty for ever wishing for the death of someone I called my friend.

I should have given you time after Miche's death but Mariana, my love for you burned so intensely that I just couldn't wait. As you nursed me back to health, my love for you grew even stronger. When we made love, I knew you were meant for me. I found myself being lost in your eyes, picturing a life I never thought I would achieve: You as my wife, the mother of my children. I long to have that dream with you.

Then my mind would wander; haunted by my past deeds and thoughts of ill-intent. I would remember Miche had these same dreams with you and I took them away. But as they say: all is fair in love and war. But what exactly is fair?

With all this, Mariana, I truly do love you, with everything in me. You are the wind that blows through my trees. You are the flowers in my garden of love, dreams and life that I would take care of so tenderly. The sound of your name if like a symphony that I could listen to for all my life. Your voice is a song I could never tire of.

My dear Mariana, if you are reading this, I fought for you. I fought to be with you. I wanted to come home to you.

Keep me in your heart, my love.

I love you"

"Erwin" I whispered, tears in my eyes, pressing the letter to my chest, close to my heart

Those words, every one of them rang in my head yet I still couldn't fathom all what was said. The information he held for so long weighed on me like heavy bricks on my shoulders.

I'm just glad he didn't tell me all this before he died. The burden of that again, it would be too much.

"Wow" Hange finally spoke "Every man who confesses to you dies"

I darted a look to them but I was not suprised by Hange's comment. There was a pattern.

I looked over at Levi, who's jaw was clenched. I couldn't tell if he was upset with me or with Erwin but I never would ask.

"He really loved you" Hange whispered, taking my shoulder by their hand "a lot"

"He did" I sighed, still not knowing what to believe

I didn't want to believe what was written on that paper.

Erwin was holding so much inside: all his guilt that he didn't want to tell me about. Yet I, too, had the same guilt but for different reasons.

My chest began to pound, tightening harder with each beat, making me almost breathless as those words repeated in my head.

I couldn't bare it.

"Are you okay?" Levi finally spoke

"I'm okay" I sighed with a smile back to him, wiping the tears from my eyes

"If you don't mind" Hange continued "We could start the questions about what we found at the basement"

"Hange" Levi fussed "give her time"

"No, no" I reassured "It's okay. We can start the questions"

I sat at the chair in front of the desk, Hange pulling out a box and laying on the desk. As Levi stood at the window behind Hange, Hange laid out each item from the box.

My eyes focused on three particular items: three journals, all three looked way more expensive than mine.

I couldn't help but think: what exactly did they find about my family? And what did we do?