Cookie Run: Kingdom One-Shots, Head-Canons, Incorrect Quotes

O-S Deadpool AU (Herb x Sparkling)

A/N:
This is my brain:
BUDDUMBADUMDUMDADUMDADUMDUM DUM BUDDUMBADUMDUMDUMDADUM DUM
DONT WANNA BE AN AMERICAN IDIOT
DONT WANNA NATION UNDER THE NEW MEDIA
AND CAN YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF HYSTERIA
SUBLIMINAL MIND- oh look, a dog-

Anyways, here, take this weirdass Deadpool AU

"Oh wow, gee... I'm so sorry, do you want these back? Or should I just keep them?" Herb ran his hand over his bloodied torso, gritting his teeth as he got to the bullet holes. "I mean, they're used, but... I guess it'd be kinda neat to get them back... like 'This is the bullet I used to shoot that weird regenerating guy, we had a whole conversation about it.' I mean, I have a ton of bullets that have been used to shoot me. I don't need these..."

Rye stared wide-eyed as Herb fished around in his wounds, grabbing the bullets and pulling them out. The mercenary hissed quietly and she cocked a brow. "Does that... hurt?"

Herb chuckled. "The thing is that I heal fast, and I have a regeneration ability, but I have no invincibility. I always feel every punch, every shot, every stab or explosion or chop... after a while you get used to the pain, but it's still pain."

"Well, shoot. Yer a darn strong fella aintcha?" Rye holstered her guns and leaned back against the counter of the bar they had stumbled into. "Worthy component. Any respectable bounty hunter knows when she ought to call it good. How bout I buy you a drink? Erybodys got a story, and I'd love to hear yers."

"Wow! I only really understood half of that, but thank you!" Herb sat himself down in one of the bar stools, gesturing to the people hiding under the tables to get back up. "Sorry, folks! The fight's over. You're all safe!"

"Ay, bartender! One whiskey on the rocks." She sat down next to the very man she had been hunting moments before. Then, she did something she never thought she would do, and shook his hand. "The name's Rye."

"It's a pleasure. My name is..." Should he really give up his identity to a stranger who had tried to kill him? "Herb." It's not like he could die, anyways.

Sparkling slid Rye's drink over to her with the practiced accuracy of someone who could probably beat anyone in the room at pool, then kick their ass using just the cue. He leaned over the counter, resting his forearms and elbows on the newly polished, yet very weathered wood. Herb felt his face heating up. The bartender winked and flashed him a smile.

"What can I do for you today?"

"Uhhh... me...?" WHY DID YOU MAKE ME PANIC?! YOU KNOW I'M BAD AT CONVERSATION WHEN I PANIC! THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING! THIS FIC HAD BEEN PRETTY GOOD UP UNTIL NOW!!!

Rye snort laughed in surprise, whiskey shooting out her nose as she banged her fist on the table. Sparkling immediately blushed red and chuckled quietly. "I meant, what can I get you off of the menu? But if you keep being this interesting- Rye, are you ok?- I might have to- Are you sure you're alright?- I might have to take you up on that."

Rye coughed breathlessly and gave a thumbs up, patting Herb on the shoulder with her other hand. "Jus caught me by surprise is all..."

"This is definitely the most unusual day I've had in a while." Herb smiled and put the bullets he had been holding on the counter. "Sorry for bleeding all over your bar..."

"Sorry fer shootin a man in yer bar..."

"You better tip me well," he joked, wiping up the pool of blood surrounding the bullets.

"I got a heavy miny-a-chure potato sack tied with twine and filled with heavy gold coins of various different currencies. Would that work?"

"Do you... have a credit card?"