Wolfstar headcannons

Memories

Azkaban had affected Sirius in more ways than one. When he first showed up at the flat he and Remus once shared together in their youth on Dumbledore's orders - Remus had been wary. Not sure if it was a good idea for him to stay at the apartment, not sure if he was ready to unpack all the old feelings they'd once had or to admit he still had them. And he was not ready to see the changes the last thirteen years in a cell had made to Sirius.

Sirius was thin, almost skeletal in appearance, his once luxurious hair matted and dirty. His eyes stayed low and shifted from side to side as if looking for something at all times. His once refined walk was now a shuffle as he tried to make himself as small as possible when going to and fro. At meals he stuffed his face, eating with bare hands as if the food would be ripped from him at a moments notice.

They'd only reunited briefly a few weeks prior to Sirius sudden appearance at the shrieking shack. There hadn't been time for conversation then, hadn't been time for Remus to see what Azkaban had done to his ex-boyfriend and love.

Were they exes though? They hadn't discussed where they stood with one another. What they were to one another, how they felt. The first few days in the flat where awkward, with them shuffling around one another in silence other than polite greetings.

Remus had work that kept him busy, and Sirius took to watching Television all day to fill the silence around him. They slept together, but that's was only because Remus wouldn't force Sirius to sleep on the couch (despite Sirius finding it extremely comfortable after the hard slabs he slept on in Azkaban). And when Remus offered to take the couch, Sirius wouldn't allow it. It was Remus' bed, his home, if Remus tried to sleep on the couch Sirius would sleep on the floor. He was at least still stubborn as always.

Sleeping together was even more awkward than their daytime interactions those first days. Neither knew what was okay, neither wanted to talk about it either in case one of them didn't feel the same way. So they slept in the large king size bed, backs to each other and separated as far as possible.

Never knowing they both cast longing looks over their shoulders. Wishing for a time when they would be a tangled mess refusing to part. Then one night, Remus had been in a deep sleep when he rolled over. Sirius didn't react at first, thinking Remus was just tossing to try and get comfortable.

Until Remus mumbled in his sleep, "Siri, want you." Sirius knew he was dreaming, his voice was too low and breathy. But the words still made him shiver with a long forgotten feeling of desire and need. Sirius didn't move, and Remus growled a primal sound that shocked Sirius. Not remembering the possessiveness Remus could exhume.

Sirius had to stop himself from flying off the bed when Remus grabbed him without warning. Reminding himself he was safe, and he hadn't felt safer than those few seconds later when Remus had pulled him close and held him in a tight embrace. Cuddling him close. After that, when Remus woke up to find Sirius happily asleep in his arms (and having slept better than he had since his first night in Azkaban) decided that was how they'd sleep from now on. Just like the old days.

But it wasn't exactly the same, and it never would be. They had changed too much, experienced more tragedy than either of them deserved. Remus had spent over a decade grieving for his friends and for what he thought was the betrayal of his love as he grew older and matured beyond his years.

Sirius seemed stunted at twenty-two emotionally, as if he'd never aged a day during his captivity. Stuck in a cell alone save for the dementors that lingered outside his cell's window - ready to take any thought of happiness from him.

Remus was convinced at times that the man shuffling around the apartment was not the Sirius he'd know . This shell of a man that only echoed the once proud and posh young man. So the night after they'd slept in each others arms for the first time on purpose, Remus decided it was time to properly wash Sirius' hair. The man had been taking showers to wash his body, but his hair was too far gone for him to try and fix it.