Carpe Diem - cash au -

Something That I Already Know

Mature content ahead.

Cameron POV

It's getting harder and harder to put on a happy face for Nash. The rest of our time at the cabin was fairly uneventful. Carter kept his distance from Matt and Justin, it was the best feeling to see how rejected and sad he looked. It's only hair that he feels that way after the hell he put Matt through.

When we return to the apartment an overwhelming sense of loneliness comes over me. I feel like I'm on the brink of a panic attack. I'm anxious about everything; my classes, my lack of friends, my relationship with Nash, missing my friends at home. I don't know what to do, I can't fathom making him give up his dream. I don't see myself actually making Nash transfer schools just because of me. If I do, he will resent me. It's a decision he has to make for himself and I desperately want him to decide to transfer schools.

I'm miserable and my time with my friends at the cabin just makes me miss them that much more.

I skip all of my classes on Monday. Nash and I drive in together but when he woke me up I told him I wasn't feeling well. I bury my face in the pillow and begin to sob after I hear Nash leave the apartment.

I'm so lonely and it's killing me.

I can't drag Nash down with me, I know if he saw me like this he would be so upset. I take out my phone and stare at it. I'm so tempted to send Nash a message to come back but he has practice tonight and he can't miss that, not to coddle me.

Me- I'm barely holding on, Matt. I miss u guys so much, it's lonely here when Nash isn't around 😢
Matt-pls transfer after this semester. U and Nash can do long distance, see each other every wknd. It won't be so bad. I just want to see u happy

I think about what Matt is telling me. My relationship with Nash is strong, it's only a 3 hour drive and we don't see each other all day anyway. I can spend my whole weekend with him. I can already feel the anxiety rising at the thought of leaving Nash.

I shake my head to myself. There's no way I can do that, it's worse for me to be away from Nash than to be away from my friends.

Me- that won't work, I need Nash too much to be happy without him. The only thing that would make this better is if we both go to UCLA. But I can't force him he has to make that decision himself.
Matt- ok then u need to be honest with him about how ur actually feeling. Stop putting on a happy face for him. If he knew exactly how miserable u were he'd transfer asap.
Me- I'll talk to him when he gets home tonight
Matt- aight let me know how it goes

I put my phone away and bury my face in my pillow. Hope grows in my heart that after I tell Nash how bad things are for me that he'll tell me we can transfer once the semester is over. I know he loves me as deeply as I love him and I know he hates to see me miserable, he can still play Lacrosse at UCLA. In fact the coach there wanted him pretty badly but Stanford was always his dream school.

I don't cook anything that evening, I have no energy and when I hear the door open I stay in bed and wait for Nash. I lie on my stomach with my face buried in my pillow, I don't look when he opens our bedroom door and a few moments later the bed dips as he sits beside me. He presses a soft kiss on my shoulder and then rubs it gently.

"We're you in bed all day, baby? Should we take you to the hospital?" He murmurs and I turn my face and look at him. I don't mask the misery on my face and Nash gasps as he takes in my expression. "Cam, did something happen? Talk to me, please."

"I'm miserable here, Nash, I thought it would be enough to see my friends every weekend but my loneliness here is a constant reminder of how I don't have any new friends here. I feel so insecure and unhappy, like I'm not worthy of having friends. The thought of leaving you and transferring to UCLA gives me worse anxiety than staying here and continuing to be miserable." I tell him dejectedly. He strokes my cheek gently and my eyes flutter shut, tears fall as I think about my lack of friends. I wish I could be outgoing like Nash, I hate being shy and insecure. Everyone has pretty much made their friends here and it would be hard to break into a formed clique.