Carpe Diem - cash au -

Imagine Me Without You

Nash POV

As soon as I walk back into my room I know something's wrong with Cameron. He has a frown in his face as he stares at my phones screen.

"What's up, baby?" I ask him as I crawl on the bed, I try to wrap my arms around him but he pushes my hands away. "Cam, what the fuck?"

"When were you going to tell me that you are going back to Stanford? We only have a week left of break, were you going to tell me on move-in day?" He asks cooly, the anger in his voice is apparent and I rub my eyes as I sigh softly.

I sit up and face him but he refuses to meet my eyes. "Look at me, baby."

His eyes meet mine and the pain inside him breaks my heart and I wonder if I made the right choice. It was a hard decision to make, going back to Stanford means not having Cameron with me and only being able to see him during the weekends. But after I was approached by the coach of the U.S. Lacrosse team I thought really hard about it and it was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. I know long distance relationships usually don't work but I believe in us, I know we can make it the 3 1/2 years that we would be apart. It seems like such a long time but I hope it flies by.

"The coach for the U.S. Lacrosse team approached me at my final game, he told me if I continued to play like I played at Stanford he would offer me a spot on the team. Becoming captain of a prestigious team like the one at Stanford is really important to secure my spot on the team," I tell him quietly. "The team is based here, baby. We just have to get through college and then we can live together again."

Cameron blinks back tears and when I raise my hand to wipe them he turns his face away from me.

"Baby, don't be like that." My voice cracks as tears well up in my eyes at Cameron's rejection.

"Don't be like what, Nash? You fucking kept a huge decision like that from me. You didn't think to discuss that with me, being apart for facing 3 years is a lot of time. Why didn't you at least give me the opportunity to talk about it with you?" He asks bitterly and he's put up a wall, I can't read him.

"I just... I was scared of your reaction. I struggled with it because I want to be with you but I also want to play lacrosse professionally, and it's only for a few years that we'd be apart. I know we're strong enough to make it." I whisper quietly and I wipe the tears that fall. I feel horrible, I feel like I let him down and that bothers me so much. I just want him to be happy and I messed it all up. Maybe I should have declined the offer but I'd live with that decision at the back of my mind and I would have wondered what life would be like as a professional Lacrosse player.

"This is so fucked up, Nash. Do you even realize it? You lead me on, you let me believe that we were going to be together in UCLA with all our friends. You were going to wait until the last minute to drop this massive bomb on me. How could you do this to me? I barely have any time to process this massive change." He tells me and I feel even worse because I know he's right. I should have talked to him before making such a huge decision.

"I was prepared to stay at Stanford for you. You're the one who said that we can transfer to UCLA and now you change your fucking mind and leave me alone. Do you not realize that being without you is infinitely worse than being without my friends? Maybe if you had told me sooner I could have returned to Stanford with you but you didn't even give me the choice to do that. It's too late now, I already signed up for classes at UCLA and I paid the deposit. It's too late to change anything." He says as his voice grows louder. I run my hand through my hair and all I feel is hurt, guilt and stress.

I didn't even think that he would come back with me, I'm such a fuck-up.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Cammy. I fucked up, I know that now. What if... you withdraw from UCLA and come back to Stanford with me, you can take classes in the summer and then resume classes in the fall." I tell him softly and he rolls his eyes.

"Really, Nash? Is that your solution? For me to miss an entire semester, take summer classes with are stressful because they're shorter," he scoffs at me and that cuts me deeply. I stare down at my hands sadly, I'm so stupid. I feel so bad and it hurts that he's talking to me that way. I deserve it but it doesn't make it hurt less.

He stands from my bed and throws my phone at me. I catch it and place it on the bed, that makes me feel even worse.

"Don't go baby, please." I plead with him. "Let's talk about this."

"There's really nothing more to say, is there? You're going back to Stanford, I'm staying here at UCLA. What's done is done, talking about it won't change anything." He replies coldly and I grab his hand and tug him towards me. I pull him into my lap and I'm relieved that he doesn't fight me.

I press gentle kisses on his cheek and his jaw. "Forgive me, baby. Please? I know I'm a fuck up, but I love you so much and I can't function if I know you're angry with me."

He softens up and I feel relief, he turns head and allows me to press soft kisses on his lips. We kiss gently for a while and then he turns and straddles me, our kisses grow more passionate. We make love on my bed and afterwards we cuddle together. He lays his head on my chest and traces patterns on it.

"I'm going to miss you so fucking much, Nash. You don't realize how hard it will be for me to be apart from you for 3 fucking years." He lets out a deep sigh and I cuddle closer to him.

"I'll come down every weekend, I promise you." I tell him softly and he looks up at me and nods.

"You fucking better," he says softly.

The remaining week we spend together 24/7. We don't hang out with any of our friends, we just spend our time together. I constantly second guess myself and I wonder if I made the right choice. It's too late to make any changes and the closer I get to leaving him the more I want to undo my decision. We cling to each other and he's as anxious about this as I am.

The night before I have to head back to Stanford we spend it lying on a sleeping back staring up at the stars. It's reminiscent of how we were junior year in high school when we had first met. It seems like so long ago. I have my face in his neck as I try to memorize his scent, the fear of losing him grows bigger and I pray that distance doesn't make us grow apart. I promise myself that I will come down every weekend no matter what.

He makes love to me that night and I feel so close to him afterwards. His touch soothes my fears and I know we can make it past those 3 years.

The next morning my car is packed and I'm ready to head up to Stanford. I've already said goodbye to my family and friends, it's just Cam and I now. We hug each other for a long time, his body starts to shake and the knowledge that I made him cry makes me feel horrible, tears start to fall and I bury my face in his shoulder.

"I'm going to miss you so fucking much baby. How the fuck am I supposed to make it 3 years without you?" He sobs into my neck and I pull away and cup his face with my hands.

"I'll come every weekend, I fucking promise you. No matter what." I swear to him and he nods, I wipe his tears gently and I press a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I'll see you Friday night, okay baby?" I tell him and he nods again.

I give him one final kiss and then I get in my car. I turn it on and drive away before I get out and decide to never leave him. He's gone when I check my rear view mirror and I can't help but think that I've just made the worse decision of my life.

A/n- epilogue next. Please don't hate me 😭 it's already written. Should I post it? Comment and maybe I will 😈