Privateer ~ Nikolai Lantsov

Chapter 33

It was still night and I was laying in my bed. All that I could think about was Dimitri. The boy I killed for my sister. And I immediately felt sick to my stomach.

I had killed an innocent man. Maybe I should've let this go. Maybe I should be sucking it up and putting a brave face on. But who could see me now? No one was around, I was alone.

I bolted to the bathroom and threw up my dinner. Throwing up twice today. It's panic attack after panic attack. I think it's crazy how your body responds to panic is sickness.

His body on the floor.

Panic.

His pleading eyes.

Another bolt to the bathrooms.

the blood. Oh, saints the blood.

I wish I could take my life instead of taking his. I wished I could bring him back. I didn't know him, so why would I think this?

I sat on the floor and again I heard footsteps. This time deeper footsteps. I thought I locked my door. I looked up to see the person I least expected. Mal.

"Hey," he said carefully, "I was walking around. I couldn't sleep and I heard coughing. I wanted to make sure everything was alright."

"I'm fine, Oretsev. Just food poisoning."

"We all ate the same thing Safin, what are you hiding?"

I stayed silent.

"You're not pregnant are you?" He looked genuine but I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, saints no!"

"Phew good. I wouldn't know what to say to you if you were."

"People can throw up and not be pregnant you know."

"So then why are you?"

"I killed someone." I deadpanned.

His facial expression didn't change, "first time?"

"He was innocent, Oretsev. I was... I was forced to kill him."

"By who?"

"Darkling."

"That bitch!" He cursed and it actually made me laugh.

I explained to him why I did it. And why I needed to. He pulled me up from the floor and guided me back to my bed. I lay down and he sat on a chair.

"Killing someone is hard. Especially when you have a caring heart. You did it for someone you love. It's not always right to kill someone. But you didn't do it out of hate." I looked up at the ceiling a tear rolling down my face. "You felt guilty after. That is not something a horrible person would feel."

"Thank you." That is all I could manage to say.

He nodded and got up and left. I guess he could be a great friend when he wanted to be.

I thought about his words. He helped me. My panic attack started to fade away. The sick feeling was gone and I began to breathe normally again. I've grown to respect Mal, he was a great person.

The next day I heard around the little palace that Alina had already changed some rules. The Grisha no matter what order would eat, train, and fight together. No more cliques.

I heard it from the guards outside my door. I pulled my robe over my body. I'm not getting dressed it's way too early. I put slippers on and made my way to breakfast.

Once I arrived my eyes immediately landed on Alina and Nikolai.

"Are you getting tired of it too?"

I jumped at the voice only to see Mal. I sighed, "they are a little annoying."