eighteen

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My mind is really blurry I feel like everything is fuzzy but I also feel hyper aware of my surroundings

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My mind is really blurry I feel like everything is fuzzy but I also feel hyper aware of my surroundings. My eyes are clear and I can see everyone and everything around me but my mind is jumbled. I can barely hear Nardos voice as he talks to me while we walk on the path yet I can hear the ladies heels clicking or the moving leaves on the trees.

My hand is securely wrapped around my comfort drink. I use both my hands to hold it, the coldness from the ice is probably the only thing keeping me aware.

I am on high alert. All of the snapping twigs and the slight chirps of the birds hiding in the trees, I can hear clearly. Yet, for some reason Nards voice is muffled.

It's so embarrassing that he not only saw me have a terrible flashback, but he also saw me have a nightmare less than an hour later. I have never been on edge the way I am right now. Not even when I was living with Mama and Roan in Chicago.

I don't even notice that my father stops walking until I feel his hand that is holding mine pull me back to where he stands. He crouches down so he's eye level with me, although I can see his lips moving I can't hear a word he says.

The birds chirping in the trees are getting louder and the people walking by us's footsteps sounds like loud drums that are being played right next to my ear.

Nardo's face looks so concerned, his eyebrows are furrowed and he has a frown on his face. He stares right at me and I watch as his lips continue to move.

Why can't I hear him?

Tears prick up in my eyes. For the third time today I start to panic. This time in the middle of Central Park.

"Maggie you're okay." His voice his muffled but more clear than earlier. I shake my head in response because I am not.

I am not okay.

I never was okay. I have pushed back all my traumas to the back of my brain. I avoided them and now I am paying the price. It feels like a hurricane is breaking through the walls I so desperately built years ago. My life was getting so good.

I pushed all of the bad things from my old life to the back of my mind. I ignored the feeling of fear every time I went out in public. I ignored all the voices in my head reminding me of my past.

One spilled glass of chocolate milk and now everything I worked so hard to secure and cage in is coming down. All of the fear and all of the danger I am in is so very clear now and it scares me to death.

"Can you hear me my baby?" He tucks my hair behind my ears cupping my right cheek with his right hand. He sounds almost clear at this point so I manage to spit out a very quiet mumble.

"Scared."

His eyes widen and he moves so although he is still eye level with me I am still blocked from whatever is behind him.

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