To Become A Star

Chapter 10: Everyone's Replaceable

"How are you feeling today," one of the producers asked me from behind the cameras. They had pulled me from the den to do an interview. I didn't want to, but I was contracted to do at least 5 interviews with them per season. "I'm doing okay," I responded, looking at them rather than the camera. "Tell us about what your goals are for this year."

Strange, usually when they wanted you to answer these kinds or questions they wouldn't be vague. It was mostly 'what are your goals for competition/dance this year.' Either way, I decided to answer generally. "I really want to improve on my technique and pointe, do some more acting, and hopefully win another nationals."

It still hurts to think about nationals. I could have lost my mother that day; I lost my unborn sibling that day. Everyone at the studio had tried really hard to ignore it, to pretend that it had never happened, but I could never forget.

I saw it in my dreams, all this blood surrounding my mom. Her breathing starts to get slower, and slower, and just when she stops breathing I wake up.

Dad had arranged for me to see a therapist, Ms. Launer, every Sunday afternoon. We talked about the nightmares sometimes, but we also talked about other things; more normal things like homework and dance.

I don't mind going over there every week. We played scrabble and jacks, and on occasion we even finished a few minutes early and took a walk in the park.

I stuck it through the rest of the interview, giving the most generic answers I could while acting as if I was being enthusiastic. Generally, it was times like this I was glad I had a natural affinity for acting.

Nobody could tell that I was being sincere, and I was happy about that. Ms. Launer says I'll be fine eventually, but for now I would just pretend that I am.

I stood up from the chair, walking out of the interview corner and into the pyramid room with all the other girls. Abby wasn't ready for us yet, but the producers apparently wanted to get some better shots of us coming into the room. It was weird, but I learned quickly that they did a lot of weird things while filming.

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"Come on, girls, let's go! Moms, girls, get in here! Let's go!" Abby yelled as I walked into the studio. I hadn't been here since last Monday, and I was rightfully missing this place. 

"Hello, ladies. How's it going?" Abby asked once all of us were lined up in front of her and our moms were at their designated wall. "Good," I replied with the rest of the girls. I made sure not to look at the cameras and producers to my right, it would break the illusion that they were trying to convey.

Instead, I looked myself over in the mirror. Black leotard and dusty rose colored tights, it was the same thing I had always worn, but it didn't feel familiar at all. I had spent most of August and some of September filming, and spent all of last week auditioning for another show called 'The Vampire Diaries.'

I had a lot of fun, but a lot of the other kids auditioning had more experience, so I might not even be considered for the role at all.

It's January now, and my popularity has grown exponentially from being on 'Dance Moms.' During the fall and winter I spent a good chunk of my time modeling, leaving not a lot of time for me to be in the studio. Cameron did come over quite a bit when I was home, so it wasn't too bad.

"Where's Holly?" Abby asked Nia, causing me to snap my eyes to her. "Nia, where's your mother?"

"She's at work," Nia answers. "Not gonna happen. She needs to leave work, leave the job, forget it, and be here with you," Abby says, her voice stern. She wasn't yelling, but it felt like it.