REM // Van McCann

17. Go For a Swim

There was a sense of urgency when I opened my eyes. The place looked familiar as I've been here many times before but I never figured out if this was an actual place or not. My dream picked up where I previously left off. The day that Clara jumped off the cliff into the water below. The only reason why I knew I was dreaming was because I've never been here before yet I dream about this place every time.

I'm too late, I thought to myself, running up the hill to where she last stood. Careful to not stand near the edge, I peered over the ledge at the water below. The waves kept crashing over the rocks and the constant wind was enough to make me retreat back. I didn't want to fall in myself but I couldn't find her. There was no sign of her yellow rain jacket anywhere.

Even though I was dreaming, I pushed it to the back of my mind because I had to know why I kept dreaming about Clara and this place in particular. I've drawn this scene many times in my journal but could never pinpoint the location. My hope was that someday, I'll come across it in media and instantly recognize the place.

My guess was that this was somewhere in Portugal. She was only in the UK for less than a year before her dad was relocated to Portugal. I remember how distraught she was when she told me she was moving. She was starting to get used to things in the UK and got angry. Then she started crying saying she was going to have to start over again and worst of all, she was upset that she was going to leave me behind. That was the day I told her I was moving to America.

Moving to America was always the plan but I kept it from her because I didn't want to upset her. But since she was moving, I thought it was the right time to tell her. Her day was already ruined. Why not just get it done and over with?

She didn't ask to be held but I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, resting my chin on top of her head. My body shook whenever she broke into a sob but that only made me hug her even tighter.

The rain was starting to pick up so I put my hood up and began thinking about what to do next. I had to make sure she was okay. Maybe there's a chance she's still alive. My legs carried me downhill before I made my decision. I had to be careful as one wrong step could send me tumbling down the cliff to my death. It's not that I'm afraid of falling or dying—I don't want to wake up from this dream without getting more information than what I started with.

My boots didn't have much traction on the sand so my feet would slide, sending sand and small rocks down the cliff. I put my hand against the dirt wall to steady myself and looked for a path that would lead me to the bottom. I had gone down without thinking and luckily for me, I could see a path that worked so I followed it.

Boots and sand are not a good combination but I wasn't arsed about keeping sand out. Down at the beach, the winds were more calm but the rain became steady, soaking my coat. I climbed on top of a large rock and pushed my hair out of my face so I could get a good look at where she should've fell. I couldn't see anything but blue-grey water splashing about. She was probably forced under water. There's no way she's strong enough to fight these waves.

Figuring I could swim the distance, I jumped into the water, bracing myself for the cold but it never came. Another telltale sign that this was a dream. I'm supposed to go into shock from the cold but I felt fine. I swam to where I thought she fell and shouted.

"Clara!"

I looked around but didn't see anything so I took a deep breath and went under to search for her. The water raged on, picking up dirt and debris which made it difficult to see. As soon as I ran out of oxygen, I swam towards the surface to take another breath. I lost count of how many times I went under but each time, I couldn't find her. What I was doing was hopeless but I kept trying due to my inability to accept that she was really gone. Who can survive a fall like that? No one.