REM // Van McCann

45. Letters

Today is Clara's driving test. In the days leading up to it, she's asked me to help her practice for one hour after work. I'd attend my classes and do my homework then drive over to her workplace to pick her up, practice for an hour, and take her home. She's since nailed the parallel parking. It turns out having to snog me is enough motivation to do better. I'm joking of course.

We practiced all the different things she could be tested on including pulling over to the side of the road and rejoining traffic, uphill and downhill starts, parking in a parking bay, and so on. Every time we'd meet, she'd have a panic attack saying she won't be able to do it and that she felt nauseous but then she'd end up doing just fine. I've even offered to be with her in the car during her driving test because they allow that but she quickly said no saying that I'd only make her more nervous.

Now we're sat in the sitting area waiting to be called. She was quiet as a mouse sitting still. I'm sure if I said something or touched her, she'd jump. She was on edge, didn't sleep well, and had no appetite. I thought she could use some consoling but she preferred to be left alone to think. Her hand was trembling so I reached out and intertwined my hand with hers. She turned to me smiling slightly and I kissed her on the cheek, hovering by her ear to remind her everything will be just fine.

She was afraid of failure which is a normal fear to have but I had to remind her it wasn't the end of the world if she failed. She could always take the test over and over again, and I had no doubt she'd learn from her mistakes. A woman emerged from the hallway with a folder.

"Clara?" she called and Clara immediately removed her hand from mine and got up. "Hello Clara, I am Anne, your examiner for the day. Please follow me to the back. Can you confirm your second name for me?"

Clara told her her second name and looked back, no doubt terrified but I smiled and gave her a thumbs up. Now came the hard part of waiting and worrying over her. Most people here were teenagers coming in with their parents. Her parents offered to take her but she felt more comfortable with me.

I've been dating Clara for over a month now and she always tells me how her parents want me over for dinner. I'm still working up the courage to say yes. In the meantime, I've been finding excuses. Sooner or later, I won't have any.

My parents don't know I have a girlfriend yet. It felt too soon to introduce her as the both of us weren't sure it was going to work. Her parents wouldn't even know about me if it wasn't for that one night. To be honest, I'm surprised we made it past one month but I'm loving every minute with her. It gives me hope that things could work out. Maybe we could build a life together here or elsewhere.

"I told her if she ever finds a place that feels like home, she can stay. A home can be a person."

I'll be graduating in a few months and have already started looking into programs and jobs in my field of study. Most of it was in America which worried me. I've always wanted to move to America and see how it is but the idea of leaving everything and everyone I've known behind terrifies me. My mum and dad won't be a few hours away anymore but an aeroplane ride away and tickets are expensive enough that I won't be able to go home often.

I've already started looking into work visa options for British nationals. Since my plan is to stay in America longer than 90 days, I have to apply for an H1B visa. H1B visas have a cap and the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) uses a lottery system to select from the registration pool. It worried me that I wasn't competitive enough, that I was limited in my employers, and that there was a lottery system making things more difficult, but I was determined to try regardless.

Unbeknownst to Clara, I've already started applying to programs and jobs in America. Most of them were in California and Washington but the program I was interested in most was in Seattle. It felt silly hiding this from her. Maybe she wouldn't mind going back to America since she's a US citizen but she's not going to be with her family. I wasn't planning on telling her until things went in my favor but by then, it would probably be too late.