REM // Van McCann

27. My Worst Fear

Saturday came, providing temporary relief from the amount of work I had piling up. The urge to make an excuse for the birthday party was strong but I figured a few hours wouldn't hurt. I'm an early morning riser so I got up and made good progress on my calculus homework. Calculus takes the most time because maths is my least favorite subject but my degree requires it. I'll save the coding homework for tomorrow. On top of homework, I was also assigned a ton of reading. The reading material is dense so I have to read it several times for it to sink in.

When it was time for lunch, I went outside to smoke and responded to a few messages I put off on responding. Rob reminded me of the party so I sent him a quick text telling him that I planned to stop by after I was done with the driving lesson.

She's close to ready. Today, I planned for her to drive on the motorway. She already knows how to drive on the motorway in America but I wanted her to get a feel for driving a manual transmission. It's a pain in the arse to drive when you're in stop and go traffic but it's the weekend so I figured it wouldn't be as bad. I was a bit early and texted her that I was here and got out of the car. I placed a cigarette in my mouth, lit it, and leant against the car. I never really took the time to study her neighborhood. We always left as soon as she got in. Which house does the cat live in? Footsteps in the distance caused me to snap back to reality and I was conflicted about finishing my cigarette as I didn't want to delay her any further.

"When did you start smoking?" she questioned, curious.

Despite knowing each other for almost half a year, I try not to smoke when I'm with her but she's caught me a few times. It wasn't that I was afraid she would disapprove; I just did it out of respect as most people don't like the smell.

"Ever since I was a young boy. Maybe 14 or 15," I answered. I've not thought about how long I've been smoking and the plan was to quit someday if I ever found the right person. Maybe it's her. "Just a few more minutes and I'm done, sorry."

She told me to take my time and stood there with her arms crossed, looking in the distance. I took the opportunity to look at her, studying her features. She doesn't wear flashy clothes nor wear a ton of makeup but she's effortlessly beautiful. There's a natural beauty that radiates from her—either that or I'm in too deep. I followed her gaze to what she was looking at but didn't see anything.

"What are you looking at?" I asked.

"I'm wondering where Atlas is." It took a split second to realize she meant the cat as I couldn't fathom who'd name their child Atlas.

"Oh, your boyfriend?" Her cheeks turned red at the memory and I chuckled, enjoying her reaction.

"Knowing me, I'll never have a boyfriend. I'll be a cat lady."

"Why's that? You're the sweetest person I know. There's no doubt someone will fall for you."

"Do you really think so?" she asked, surprised. I didn't answer but nodded my head, afraid I'd give myself away. "What about you? Do you think someone will love you?"

I shrugged my shoulders. My dream is to get married and have a family some day but I realize I've got things to work on. I've learnt a lot about myself through relationships and I don't always like what I see. It's difficult for me to express feelings because of my insecurities which baffles people as they see me as a confident person.

"Fuck if I knew. I'm not the easiest person to love."

"Why do you think that?"

"I've had past girlfriends tell me that."

Her smile went away and I wondered if she was thinking I had a string of relationships which couldn't be farther from the truth. Although I'm flirty, I don't go after every lass I fancy. I've only had two somewhat serious relationships, both of which didn't last very long. By the sound of things, Clara doesn't seem as experienced. Maybe she's had flings but it's difficult for her to hold a relationship.