Beyond - Nate Jacobs

33. "If I could, I would make you unlove me"

Mila's POV

After Ashtray's death, I took some time to myself. His death made me realize how short life actually was. 

It made me question every decision I had ever made and if the things that had happened needed to happen. 

I kept thinking about what would my last thought be if I died right now. Even though my life was complicated it would have been Nate. 

I know I sound stupid and maybe I am but I still loved Nate. Of course, I couldn't just go right back with him but I wanted him in my life again.

Cassie had moved back into her room but I still didn't want to talk to her. I just wasn't ready to be confronted with her and the whole situation. 

Fezco, Lexi, and I had decided to organize a small funeral for Ash. Fezco wanted to be able to say goodbye to him at least with a few people. All of our friends were invited and it was supposed to take place in four days. 

It still felt like a nightmare, that Ash was dead but I knew, we'd never wake up from it. 

I was laying in bed after I had just texted Nate that we needed to talk. 

Maddy and I had been hanging out all day and helped the O'Neill boy set up for the funeral. She was a great support and I couldn't be more grateful for her. 

I had told her about my plan about making up with Nate, even though she was against it first, she said it was the right thing. She knew Nate and I would get back eventually. 

from Nate to Mila<3 8:12 PM

Come outside

I smiled at the message as I quickly grabbed a zip-up sweatshirt and made my way outside. Suze was busy with Cassie, so I just send her a quick message. 

I opened the door and climbed into the truck. Nate's strong arms wrapped around me immediately. 

We stayed like this for a few minutes, I had never ever missed anyone this much in my entire life. I wasn't able to be with him, through the hardest time of my life, which was hell. 

"I missed you", he whispered. "I missed you too", I whispered. 

After a few more moments of us just enjoying each other's company, we started driving. 

Nate drove to the one fast food place we had our very first date at. I smiled at him, how did he remember? 

We ordered and parked the car in the parking lot. I placed a few fries in my mouth before turning towards Nate. 

This talk was about to be hard but if we wanted to be in this relationship, it had to be talked through. 

"Did you ever regret it?", I asked. 

"I did, I still do. I regretted it immediately after it happened, I didn't think about her as a person when it happened, I just thought of her as a body", Nate replied. 

I knew his answers were going to hurt but I had to stay strong. 

"How could you do this to me Nate?", I asked as my voice broke again. 

"I know I fucked up, fuck. I never wanted to hurt you Mila, ever. I know I did and I don't want you to forgive me ever, okay? You don't deserve this, you deserve someone that cares for you, someone that would run through hell and back. Someone like Fezco and not someone like me".

I sighed softly as I tried to keep in all of my emotions, I couldn't cry, not again. 

"I really fucked up. I knew I should have never done what I did and especially not make Cassie believe that I liked her in that way. Mila, I always loved you and even though I fucked up, I regret it"

"I hope you regret it Nate, I never felt that way in my entire life. I trusted you, you are the one for me and even though I know that Fez is probably the better option, I'd always choose you", I started, "After Ash died, I thought about what would my last thoughts be and they would be about you. Not even how you mistreated me but our good moments. The moments that I would never forget. And I know I should hate you but I can't. I love you still"

"You don't deserve this Mila"

"I know I don't", I choked out. 

"Then stop loving me", Nate whisper yelled, not in a bad way but in a desperate way. 

"I can't. I wish I could but I can't, I love you forever and ever"

"I love you too Mila but I don't want to hurt you anymore. I hurt you many times, I can't keep doing this. I don't wanna do this, I love you and I should treat you like I do", he explained. 

"I turned my father in, I wanted to turn myself in as well. Fuck, I gave Jules her Disc back and I helped Cassie pack her shit. I wanna be better for you, I will be better for you. I don't want to beg you to forgive me but I do want you to know that I love you beyond"

"Nate, I don't know what to say. I wish you would have told me the truth when I gave you the opportunity to, when I asked you about it. I knew it from the beginning but you kept lying to me, why?"

"Because I didn't want to believe it myself. I'm a manipulative psychopath. Every time I love someone, I ruin it. I hurt you not only physically but mentally and you still are willing to be with me. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you", he cried. 

A tear rolled down his cheek and many more followed. 

"I just wish you would have told me. I don't know if I can ever trust you again Nate", I replied. 

"I know, but I hope you do. I will show you that you can trust me. Fuck, I love you Mila, I never want anyone else in my entire life. I made a huge mistake that I can never erase. I decided to throw away what we have for something that wasn't real. After all, I have put you through, I decided to do that. There will never be a time in my life when my actions will be okay. I hope you know, that I do regret it, I would do everything to erase what I did, but I can't. If I could I would make you unlove me"

"Don't say that. I could never not love you, Nate. I love you now and I will love you forever. I mean we won't get back together now, I just can't do that but I hope we can still work it out, If you show me you can do this maybe we can. I hate you for hurting me but I love you", I cried. 

None of us decided to say anything after that, Nate wrapped his arms around my body again as he pulled me close. 

"I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I'm sorry for lying and I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't love you", Nate whispered. 

I laid my body against his, enjoying his company. 

I know all of you probably don't understand me, but I love him. I loved him the second I saw him and I love him now. He was a gigantic asshole but he was just a broken soul. 

Nate Jacobs may be the devil but that made him a fallen angel, gods favorite to be exact. There was a reason for the angel to fall, and in this case, it was Nate's dad. 

Because no one gets born evil and no one decided to be evil one day. Everyone is made evil by someone else. 

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A Nate and Mila chapter <3 

I can't believe that the next chapter is the final one, this book was such an amazing experience and I want to thank you all for reading it and supporting me <3