Nina reflects

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****Nina's POV****

Wednesday
Sunday is the father daughter dance
Monday is the anticipated Brain Surgery
I'm scared
We are all scared

I've been at a sense of peace and comfort since an episode of pain I had Sunday, I don't have any pain anymore and not needed medicine.
I think me not having any pain anymore could either be a good thing or a bad thing, it's hard to dictate at this point for me honestly.
I know that I'm dying and how much longer I'll here is undetermined.
Both Dr Manning, Meredith, my dad, Amanda, Noah and I have all had the talk we know this Brian surgery is a 50% shot, I could come out and attack the rest of the cancer to the best until the end or I could die on the operating table, either way we all know what could be coming.

I have a note to give to my dad before I go back to surgery, I'm going to be sure to tell him it's for later to read. I'm journaling now, so him and everyone can have to remember me. I smile writing this as I look over and my dads silently snoring on the couch, he hasn't shaved in a few days, but it's ok he's my dad and he's here with me.

I reflect on the day we first met when I had the cut on my cheek, he knew I was in trouble and I couldn't tell him. My hopes and prayers were answered that day, I finally got out of Liam's and although my brother didn't make it I'm glad he knows and I know that we are both at peace.
I was a person who had to grow up fast and that's ok, I don't have any regrets anymore. Life happened the way it was supposed to and the way it was played out for me, it chose me for a reason and although I don't understand it all I got what my heart wanted since my mom died was a family.

I had Noah, my son Joey, Uncle Nick, Amanda, Fin, Elliot, Olivia, Mike, Barba, and even Cragen. But most importantly I had my dad Dominick Sonny Carisi.

We got everything lined up and in place in the event I don't make it out of surgery, which to be honest I have peace I'm going to be pain free after Monday, and my dad and Amanda will have full custody of Joey and will raise him has their own, and what better peace could I have knowing my son will be raised in good care and be with my dad and new mom Amanda

You know it's wild I survived through all the trauma and pain I went through before I met my dad, then after and all the shit we went through together and made it, yet here we are. I am battling cancer during the end of my pregnancy, my baby is here and I'm still sick and not getting better but maybe this is how it's supposed to be, maybe this is how it's supposed to end.

I look back over at my dad who is still silently snoring and I laugh yet again, he's such a good dad, and God was I ever so lucky to have him as my dad. I wish we had longer and more time together.

"Nina."
I heard my dad wake up

"Hey dad."
I said

I put my journal back down

"How you feeling?"
He asked running his hand through his messy hair

"No pain anymore".
I smiled

Sonny smiled but he looked troubled

I scooted over

"Will you tell me about mom? Anything or if you don't wanna talk about mom, can you tell me stories?"
I asked

"Of course."
Sonny smiled

He climbed up on the bed with me and I laid on his chest.

My dad was the best.

"You won't forget me right?"
I asked

I leaned up and looked at him

"No, I won't. I promise."
Sonny choked when he said that

"You Nina Carisi changed my life."
Sonny added

"You changed my life dad."
I said

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