✅ My Sister's Problem

24. Confidence

"How was the weekend?" Nadine asked, grinning. "You had a wild party while your little sis is out of your hair?"

I couldn't help laughing at that. "Oh yeah, it was incredible. I was like a rock star. I mean, I was just relaxing after practice, and then chilling yesterday. Nice to not have drama every five minutes."

I couldn't tell her that Mum had spent Sunday morning treating me like a little kid, with lots of hugs and vegging out in front of the TV with cartoons that even my little sister would say were too childish. I didn't know what made it feel so good, but it was like I could try to imagine how it felt to just accept what I saw on the screen, instead of having to think about it and look out for easter eggs. It had been a great morning even if I didn't understand why. The morning had ended with Mum tickling me until I squealed, which had been unexpected but felt so natural in the moment. A reminder of when I'd really been that young. But it had been a bit awkward as well, not sure if it was okay to like something like that, and we'd gone back to being normal for the afternoon.

"Oh?" she answered, a sly smile on her face. "There's something you're not saying, isn't there? Did you see that guy you like? Did you tell him how you feel?"

"Nadine!" I gasped, and glanced up to see a dozen faces turning towards us. That was the problem with talking about anything like this at school. "No! And I never said there's a boy. I don't think about him like that. Does it have to be a... like a romantic thing to make me happy?"

"It doesn't. But you said 'him', so you know who I mean, don't you? I've seen you when you're lost in thought, fantasising about him. So did you talk to him?"

"No!"

"You know if you're grinning like that, Lindy's going to be asking you all the same questions when she comes home. Does she know who he is? I should get it out of her, so you don't have to confess."

"I don't!" I insisted. "I mean, there isn't a boy. And even if there was, there's nothing wrong with noticing that somebody is cute. It doesn't have to mean there's like, anything happening. I'll get a boyfriend when I'm old enough." I realised I wasn't making much sense, and certainly wasn't making her any less curious. I wasn't about to tell anyone about the weird images that had flashed across my mind once in a while, and I really didn't want Nadine to keep asking me those questions. She was sure to figure out who I was thinking about, even if the only feelings I had towards him were admiration for his athletic skill, intelligence, and determination. Anyway, I could see how she was looking at me as my mind started spinning down that rabbithole, and I needed to change the topic fast.

"How about you, did you see Jim?"

"Yeah!" she smiled, then frowned, and forced a smile again. All wasn't well, and I felt bad for bringing it up. I knew already that if she'd had a great time with her not-boyfriend I would have heard about ti already. "I mean... I had so much fun, but I can't tell anyone. It has to be secret, because they'd just laugh. And somebody shouted a... a thing at him that I can't repeat. And I bet my friends would be the same if they knew."

"Not your real friends. We just want you to be happy with what you're doing. It doesn't matter how normal it is, normal is for weirdos." For a second, I wondered if I was reassuring her or myself. I knew I'd listen and share in her joy. But would she be accepting if I came clean about what I'd been enjoying recently? I didn't know, and I didn't want to risk it. But those weirder thoughts didn't need to be shared anyhow. It wouldn't be long before I understood where they had come from, and I wouldn't need to think about it again.

"Thanks," she said with a smile. We were on the way out of school already, and decided to stop at the park on the way so she could tell me about all the things she'd got up to since I saw her last. Compared to her experience, my weekend seemed to have been very lazy. All her stories were good when it came to Jim, but she'd had a few experiences that made her angry as well; people who didn't understand anything.