✅ My Sister's Problem

100. What I Deserve?

I nodded, letting Mum know that I was okay with having my diaper changed now. It was still embarrassing, but in a way it was kind of comforting too, and I couldn't wait to be out of Lindy's sight after the way she had behaved on the drive back.

"Good girl," Mum said, and I felt a little glow of pride. "Now, poop for Mommy." My eyes widened when I heard the words. I could remember the scene that had been described on that video with the spirals, and how childish it felt to squat in the middle of my playpen and just let it happen. I could almost feel it; that voice had been so good at describing, it could put any image in my mind. And I knew that when Mommy told me to go, I was supposed to feel like that little baby. I blushed for a second, and then I started to push just a little, trying to imagine how it would feel.

But it was gross. I couldn't let that happen. I could imagine the humiliation of sitting there in a stinky diaper and not even noticing how it made me feel; and I could imagine a little baby doing it without even realising. But I couldn't put myself in that mindset. Even when I gave just a little push, it felt wrong.

"I'm sowwy Mommy," I said, and blushed crimson as I heard how childish my voice sounded now. That imagination had made me feel so small for an instant, but realising that I couldn't imagine pushing myself past that limit had reminded me that I was really a big girl again. "I can't, it's too–"

"Then you have to use the pills," Lindy said, and there was a wicked grin on her face this time. "You almost did it, though. You're such a little baby, I bet you're going to end up doing it anyway. You're only putting it off."

I nodded, and tried not to let myself panic. When I thought about how it would actually feel to poop my diaper, I couldn't quite imagine it. The only times that had happened since I was old enough to remember had been due to allergies, or the thing that Mum had given me a couple of days ago, so my biggest memory of those times had been the stomach cramps, and how much it hurt. I couldn't imagine just letting go without a tide of pain, and even if I forced myself to visualise it, there was that overwhelming sense of disgust there. A feeling that was too much for my mind to cope with when my brain was acting like a baby, every emotion so much more intense.

I tried hard to stop myself crying, and only a couple of tears escaped. I didn't want to seem so weak, but every little bit of worry was sweeping through my mind like I had no defence at all.

"Linda?" Mum said, quietly but firmly. "I'll go ahead with the punishment you demanded, but I don't think you need to watch when she's getting changed. That makes me wonder if you're actually enjoying this. And I didn't raise my daughters to be the kind of people who would get happiness from someone else's discomfort."

"I didn't say..." Lindy started to whine, and then the use of her actual first name seemed to filter into her consciousness. She was enjoying this, or at least trying to, and Mum had made it clear that she shouldn't be feeling like that. She didn't need to say anything, but I was sure Lindy was smart enough to realise with the context that she could be heading for a punishment of her own if it became clear that this was fun for her. In the way Mum had phrased it, all the times she'd let Lindy think that she believed the lies, she had always phrased it like I was being punished for taking pleasure in my sister's discomfort. So if she did the same, she only had herself to blame... and she could work that out for herself, without Mum having to yell at her or tell her that she'd done something wrong. I thought that might just be the difference that Lindy needed. Sure, if Mum told her off she might feel that she was being singled out and she should try harder. But if she caught herself doing something that she'd said I should be punished for, it would be harder for her to keep on telling herself that this was just a game, or that I deserved it.

"I think that little madam needs some embarrassment of her own," Mum muttered under her breath once we could hear Lindy thundering up the stairs like a rhino stampede. "It sure would be a shame if she happened to have a little accident at some point. Just to remind her of the discomfort she's putting you through."

"I wouldn't wish this on her," I answered. "I'd like her to learn, but I don't think anyone deserves to..."

"I know, honey. And that's why I trust you a little more. You might have done some things that would be questionable, but I don't think you would ever have done something in order to hurt your sister. If anything, it would have been a side-effect; something that you couldn't avoid. Right?"

"Well..." I mumbled. I remembered that I had actually wanted to hurt Lindy the time she'd spiked my drink and left me sitting uncomfortably in the bathroom for half the night, and similar occasions. I didn't want to be someone who did that, but sometimes it was hard to think about anything but revenge. I had told myself that I just wanted to stop her doing those things again; but I knew that I must be lying to myself if I was just embarrassing her in ways that she would never know were my doing. If she didn't know that it was retaliation, there was no way she could learn from it. I promised myself that I wouldn't do those things again, but how did I know that I could trust myself to follow that promise? Sometimes when I was feeling hurt, I knew that I would do bad things. And even if it hadn't been my intention, I'd been happy with making Lindy wet her bed a couple of times so that I could find out what it felt like to wear diapers again. I'd done that to her, and I couldn't pretend that my reasons weren't selfish.

"You feel bad?" Mum asked, and I just nodded. I'd seen several times over this summer just how perceptive she could be, and I knew that there was no sense trying to hide my guilt. "Well then. If you feel bad, you'll try not to do it again. Sometimes emotional responses get the better of all of us. But you know it's not what you should do. And I can see right now that you're trying to improve. That's all I can ask of you. I'm not saying it's okay, but you already learned your lesson. Even if I don't know all the details, I can see that. Just remember that feeling, okay? Any time you're tempted to hurt someone else, ask yourself if it will really make you feel better. Or if it will really achieve your goals. I'd prefer you to be the good girl who never hurts anyone, but I know that you're living in the real world, and there will be times you need to fight back against a bully. All I can ask is that you know how it makes you feel when you hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. And you'll never try to tell me that hurting someone else for its own sake is the right thing to do."

"Okay," I squeaked.

"Now, I think that's a lot of words about things a sweet little baby shouldn't even know about. Isn't it? So it might need a little extra help to remind you what a helpless baby you are. And I think that if you see it as a punishment, that might just help you as well. Right?"

I didn't quite understand what she meant there, but it didn't take long for Mum to explain while she untapped my diaper and cleaned me up. And I had to agree with her once I understood. The worst things I'd been feeling over the last couple of weeks weren't actually from Lindy's attempts to out-prank me, or the punishment that Mum had given me. The worst thing had been the terrible guilt, feeling that I'd done things to my sister that I could never forgive myself for. But maybe if I experienced a real punishment, something in my subconscious could accept that I'd made a mistake and been punished for it. I could stop thinking of myself as a good person, and go back to being Mum's sweet little baby.

I didn't know if that would work, but I could see that it might. And that was all I really needed to convince me that I should go through with this humiliation. I would give Lindy what she wanted, and hope she learned from it; just as I learned never to repeat the terrible things I had done.

"Are you ready, sweetie?" Mum asked, and as I opened my mouth to answer I felt the firm pressure of the suppository being pushed up into my butt. Mum had told me that she had adjusted the dose this time; that it shouldn't hurt so much. And I could only hope that was true.