Second Chance At Love

Not Ready.

Cgc

Am I comfortable telling Brynn about my past? Yeah, I think I am.

Normally, I never let the subject of my parents and my childhood rise to the surface. When Valdez and Xander bring my parents into a conversation, I try to dodge it as much as possible and as quickly as possible. Since Rhys knows the full reality of my parents and how they can be, he brings them up less. I try to ignore those rare times he does though. It's one of those things that I push to the deepest parts of myself because I cannot even fathom telling another person about the fact that my parents have barely raised or loved me in the almost 22 years I've been alive.

The idea of having children of my own is foreign to me because of the way I was raised. If I ever decided to settle down with one woman, I'd have to make sure to tell her that kids are not in the game plan. I know what love is, I've felt it. I love my parents — despite everything. And I love my friends. The word isn't something I'm too scared to use but for some reason, I have that fear of not loving my kid. If my parents are capable of not showing and expressing that emotion towards me. . .

What's to say I won't do the same with my future kid? I'd never want to put another human through that and I won't.

I don't answer Brynn as I suddenly contemplate on what to say first. I sigh deeply before I speak. "My childhood has become a blur besides the fact that I seem to remember all of the times that I've been belittled and neglected by both of my parents. My mom had me when she was sixteen, my dad was eighteen." Brynn's mouth gapes at that fact, but she tries to hide it quickly. I don't mind everyone finds that shocking, which is why my mom hates telling people not only my age but hers.

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, mom finished high school with a two-year-old and then went to college for seven years. My dad took over his father's company when he was young so he started making money easily by the time I was about six. Both of them became workaholics and I was left with a shitty nanny for half of my life. My dad's dad was dead, my grandma wanted nothing to do with me. My mom's parents on the other hand told her they'd never take care of me since she got pregnant early, so really, I had no family there for me," I explain.

It's easier than I thought it would be, talking about it that is. Maybe it's because I've already chosen to accept the fact that this is the life I lived and I've never really talked about it like this. I've been carrying this weight on my shoulders for as long as I can remember.

"When my parents would be home, which was rarely, they'd pay no attention to me. They'd give Rose, my nanny, money so that she could take me out or buy me takeout. I wouldn't even notice when they were home since they'd do their best to make sure I wasn't aware. The only times I really ever saw them was at night when they wouldn't work late, but even then they were too tired for me to actually spend any time with them. Family vacations were my favorite because I knew I was going to be able to see them for days at a time," I sigh, shaking my head.

I hate to say that my feelings are hurt, but they are. I've tried to turn all of my feelings towards them into hate but it never works. It seems like I'm still that idiotic little boy who falls for their lies when I believe the small kinds of affection that they show me. It happened last Saturday, it happened all the time when I was younger. Only I choose to believe that I was more naïve back then. Obviously, I'm wrong.

"I heard the words 'I love you' maybe. . . once? Twice? Anytime I'd try to talk to them about something other than school, they would claim they were too busy to talk to me. My dad was pissed off when I decided I liked football and I was what like four? He's been imagining me as his fucking heir since the day I was born probably. He thought football would interfere with my grades so he never bothered to support me and that includes my mom since she listens to everything he says." I sigh again before continuing.