The War Hammer ( AOT x Male Reader story)

Chapter 18: Acceptance

I have always thought of how humans can change, develop, mature, and view themselves and the world as time goes by.

I sat outside our bunkhouse, tinkering with a set of ODM gear I had on my lap, feeling the different bumps and edges of metal beneath my fingertips. It was approaching midnight and a cold night wind glided across the hard clay field, before catching another breeze and lifting itself to blow past my face. I shivered a little, my hands were beginning to get cold, I won't stay out here much longer. The exoskeleton of the gear was still a little warm from the sun earlier, when we first began our training using said equipment, learning to balance properly from two thick wires that shot from two ports on each hip.

ODM gear, or as it is more officially known ,'Vertical Manoeuvring Equipment', was designed to be worn like a belt, and using a harvested source of gas, could shoot out these wires, which also had hooks attached to each end. Canisters of said gas, modelled much like, what I saw as, a broom stick was attached to two open boxes made of a light metal that could be used to store multiple attachable and detachable blades.

The blades were made of a light and flexible material, which we were told would wear down after several strikes and attacks, hence the need to carry an extra number with us.

I put down the gear and picked up the handles of the blades, which were connected and operated the gas and wire dispersion. I rhythmically pulled each trigger individually, repeating their functions in my head while watching the sun dip below the horizon to my left.

I stayed like that for a while, lost in a stare while the occasional click of the triggers broke through the wind every few seconds. I had been having a series of thoughts such as this for the last few days, ever since I finished my book, and it had brought up these kinds of contemplations every now and then, and I had sketched myself an interesting theory from them.

We as humans are introduced to two separate worlds in our life, the one we are born into and the world we really see. We are shown a world of love, a world of beauty, and a world where we all as one hold it together. And yet, as we grow, our own perceptions are shattered by the actions of others. The world we grew to love is stripped from us, and is replaced by a world of hate, segregation, a world where we are nothing more than the creatures tearing it apart.

I continued to gaze as the sun slowly disappeared, leaving behind a mirage of blue, orange and darkness. Stars began to light the sky like flickers of a candle ignited in the dark, shining a silver glow down on top of me, shining back from the gear in my hands. I looked down, catching a glimpse of my face in the metal. The light reflected dark bags lining half lidded eyes, sunken cheeks, and messy hair.

I haven't slept much. The very idea of committing such atrocities in my mind, having experienced the cruelty of this world made me want to leave. I wanted to vanish into open plains where no one will ever find me. I wanted to throw everything away....I want....

I looked forward, having heard the scuffle of boots on the ground in front of me. And there she stood. A tall, loose frame, still dressed in full uniform. Long, free blonde hair cloaked her face from the moon rising to her left, as it swayed slightly in the wind. Her arms swung loosely by her side as she stood there, watching me with those half-lidded, hardened blue eyes.

We watched each other for a moment, neither of us breaking eye contact. After a few moments, she slowly approached before stopping a few yards in front of me, still maintaining eye contact.

'What are you doing out here? It's past curfew' she said, keeping that same expression on her face, one that was set hard in stone.

I didn't respond. I couldn't. I just watched here, not moving a muscle. After another few moments, she sighed, before moving and sitting down next to me. It was then the grip on my throat subsided, and I turned to her. She was facing forward, elbows on her knees, facing forward, though she watched me carefully from the corner of her eye.

I placed the hilts by my side, the 'clink' they made as they hit the wooden steps breaking the silence. I also leaned forward, facing ahead without batting a eye.

We stayed like that for a few moments, just feeling the sun and breeze dancing in the air. I picked up a pack of cigarettes I had to my left, opening it and placing one between my lips. These things were difficult to get a hold of nowadays and didn't nearly hit the same as they did, but it does the job. I lit a match, shielding the flame as I lit the end and stayed like that for a moment. I looked toward Annie to make sure no smoke was going into her face, to catch her watching me.

I looked back at her for a few moments, not saying anything. The breeze continued to flow around us in that moment, though it felt longer. Her hair lifted, revealing the twin blue crystal that adorned her figure, half lidded and dilated.

'How have you been feeling as of late?' I asked, pulling the cigarette away from me.

Silence for a few moments.

'Weird' she replied.

'Dreams?' I asked. She shook her head in reply.

I nodded, looking back forward. I stayed like this for a moment, taking the occasional drag, letting the feeling of it hit me, thinking. The silence stayed there for a moment before I stood up. She watched me as I stood, I could see her in my peripheral view. I looked u to the sky for a few moments, just letting a few thoughts sink in, before turning back to look at her.

'When we feel ways Annie, the worst thing we can do is run from them. The longer you ignore it, the more it grows on you. Be it pain, anger, resentment, love, sadness, all of them grow harder with time the longer they are left unchecked.' I said, pausing to take 1 more hit, before stubbing the cigarette under my boot, kick dirt over it to hide it.

'The only thing we can do' I said, looking back to her through half lidded and tired eyes.

'Is confront them for what they are and how they affect us. It's only then can we learn to live with those feelings and make ourselves feel whole again' I finished, adding a small smile. I found it always helped to lessen tension in situations like this.

Annie's eyes seemed to grow for a moment as we watched each other's reactions. The sun was gone, and the nights beauty cloaked us in silver as we both remained there for what felt like forever.

After a few moments, she stood up again, her stoic expression returning. She made her way past me, but not before giving a reply.

hah. you know, though the amount of times this has happened, it never gets any easier

'I'll think about that' she said, before continuing toward the female barracks.

I remained there for a few moments, smiling a little at the ground. I knew what was going to happen, though I did not know why, I knew how everyone would feel when I eventually did what I know I will do. And though it breaks me little by little every time I think about it, I can't help but feel like this is what I was made to do.

This is why I was taken away as a child.

This is what I foreswore on the walls of paradise Island

This is what I saw when me and Frieda connected

This is why I cried that day, and did so when I knew I was alone

This is all what I was made to do.

And as I make my way back into the male barracks, tiptoeing so as not to wake anyone up, getting beneath the blankets of my bunk and drifting into my own mind.

I realise

It will all be for the best of us

I love you all

I'm sorry