I woke up. Today is one of them days I wish I didn't wake up. It was around 9:30am so my parents would've left already. I go to the counter and there's $50 today. Lucky me. I honestly really can not be bothered for today. I feel like shit. I feel fat and ugly and just pure shit. I don't know what's wrong with me at all. I decided I would have a shower and get ready for the day. I wore the outfit I bought yesterday with the same Jordan's. I packed my tote bag. It had my phone ( which was only on 30% ) a book, my wallet, my AirPods and a bottle of water. I feel like what I need today is a walk in the park and to sit and read a book out in the nature. I don't know I'm just hoping it helps. I clipped my hair back in one of my new clips:
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And I set off. I didn't need to take an Uber today. Well at least i don't think i will. I walk to the local park and around it until I find a small private bench where nobody seems to be around it. A beautiful spot may I add. This might just be my new peaceful spot.
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I got out my new book that the nice lady helped me pay for and got to reading. I put my AirPods in, I didn't play music it's just a comfort for me to have them in. Another thing you should know about me is that I don't really use my phone much. It just reminds me of the perfect lives people are living with their loving parents whilst I'm stuck with them. It's weird I know. The only time I use my phone is to either call or text my two best friends jack and Layla. I'm missing them like crazy, especially today. Anyways, about an hour into my book I get really thirsty and my legs start to ache so I walk a lap around the park whilst having a drink and make my way back to the bench and much to my surprise the nice lady was sitting on that bench, reading. It's like the universe just keeps making us meet.
'Oh hello again!' She says. 'Oh um hey' 'You can come sit you know kiddo' 'Thankyou' I say as I take a seat. 'What's wrong sweetheart you seem upset today' she speaks to me as she has known me since forever. Should I tell her. It would be good for me to get it off my chest. But she's a stranger I don't even know her name. 'You don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable' 'no it's okay I was just thinking' I'm going to tell her. I mean after all I'll be going back home in a few weeks. I take a seat next to the kind woman. 'My name is Elizabeth by the way, but you can call me lizzie' 'oh um hi Lizzie my name is Holly' 'that's a beautiful name, so what's on that pretty little mind of yours Holly?' 'Well I'm having a very bad mental health day for starters, I have foster parents who don't give a f- I mean damn about me and I'm away from home so I can't escape with my only two friends and life is just getting very overwhelming at the minute, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed but I have no reason to be I feel sad and frustrated and angry sometimes but I have no reason to be. Do you understand what I mean, Lizzie?' She just looks at me. Not in confusion, but in understanding and sympathy. 'Wow Holly, I could never dream of having to go through this I completely understand what you mean though, if you ever need someone to talk to about it or escape with, I know I'm not your best friends but I hope I can help, here is my number.' Wow. I think this is what I need. Maybe. I don't know. 'Thankyou so much, it's nice to know I have someone here' 'anytime kiddo, so how's the book?' 'It's really good- oh shit Lizzie I need to be back to the apartment in 10 minutes but it's about a twenty minute walk from here' i start crying and having what I think was a panic attack but I'm really not sure. 'Holly it's okay, please just breathe, Hol please breathe' Hol i like that name. 'Follow my breathing in 2-3-4-5-6-7-8 out 2-3-4-5-6-7-8' I eventually start to calm down. 'I'll drive you, please don't worry' 'Thankyou Lizzie you really don't have to, I don't want to burden you' 'Holly, you are absolutely not a burden, please get that thought out of that pretty head of yours' I want to believe her, but every day I am reminded that I am in fact, a burden.
She drops me off and I make it 1 minute before I'm supposed to be back. But my parents don't return 15 minutes- half an hour- an hour. As much as I don't like them I start to get a bit worried, but also mad as this cut mine and lizzies time short, wait I still have her number, I'll just text her!
Lizzie💞
Me: Hey lizzie, I don't mean to disturb your evening but my parents haven't returned home and as much as I hate to admit it. I'm worried
Lizzie: Hey sweetheart, you're absolutely not disturbing my evening, why don't you try giving them a call? Xx
Me: I'm not allowed to call them, it'll disturb their work, I'll get punished if I do and I don't fancy that. Xx
Lizzie: Oh, then just keep texting me until they are home, how is life at home, is it good? Xx
Me: Yeah Jake and Layla are my best friends, their parents also love me. I do get bullied, mainly about my ginger hair but also about how nobody actually seems to want me. Xx
Lizzie: Well that's crazy! I don't see how anybody couldn't want you Holly, I have barely known you 2 days and I already love you so much!! Don't ever ever let yourself think that nobody wants you, I want you, your friends want you and their parents! Xx
Me: Thankyou lizzie I wish i could believe you but I've grown up being told the same thing by most of the people who come in and out of my life, it's not like anyone actually wants to adopt me anyways or I would've been by now, but only 3 more years and I can stop living like this. Xx
Lizzie: That's it, I'm coming over and we are going to get McDonald's, I am not letting you sit in that apartment alone thinking these awful things about yourself! I'm on my way, I'll be there in 10. Xx
Me: Lizzie I'm really not hungry I promise you! Don't come and get me and ruin your evening, I'm sure you have your own children who want to see you!
Me: Lizzie you best not be coming for me
Me: Lizzie!
⚠️TW⚠️ Ed behaviours
Fuck it's no use. I don't want to eat especially not McDonald's. It's fine. I'll be okay. I'll be alright. I'll be just just fine.
💞Lizzie💞
Lizzie: I'm outside. Xx
Me: Okay I'm coming I guess. Xx
'Hey'. She doesn't even reply to me, just leans over and hugs me. The biggest tightest hug I've ever had in my life. Not that I've had many. I think I've had 3 my whole life, well now 4. 'So what you going to get from McDonalds' Fuck. 'Oh I'm not hungry so probably just a Diet Coke?' 'Oh really, what have you had to eat today then little missy?' 'Um some toast and then a sandwich and then some fruit' i lied. 'No you haven't' 'what' 'the thing about me is that I can tell when someone is lying' she pulls over into the empty car park of McDonald's 'Do you want to tell me why you aren't eating?'
