Wow thank you so much for a bit over 200 reads! It mean a lot to me. So, as a celebration, I have decided to write some good old angst for you all!
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Angst
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He felt his knees go weak, but propped himself up via the wall.
He felt like he was going to throw up.
He felt so empty, so sad, so alone.
He had just heard the news about you. He was shaking and coughing uncontrollably.
How?
Why?
Why you?
Why not him, or someone else instead?
Under Dazai's mentorship, you two had grown close, close enough to where Akutagawa had started to grow more romantic feelings for you.
He constantly stared at you, no matter what you were doing. He always got jealous or protective when he saw you talking to someone who wasn't him.
He planned on asking you out soon, but those plans went all down the drain.
"Ah, Akutagawa. I found you. I just wanted to let you know (Y/N) is dead. That's all!" He heard from behind him. He quickly turned around after he heard those words with wide eyes, only to find the back of Dazai, walking away.
There was no sort if negative emotion in his voice, just pure boredom or contentment.
"H- how did this happen?" Akutagawa asked, nearly shouting. But Dazai ignored the tone in his voice.
"Ah. An explosion. The impact was great enough to kill her within seconds. If you wanna see her, just go to where I was assigned my recent mission. Though, you won't find much there." Dazai said with a wave if his hand.
Akutagawa ran out if the building he resided in before he could fully process what Dazai had said. He ran out to find you, anything of your remains. His vision was slightly blurry with tears that were threatening to roll down his face.
The place where you remained was not very far from the building he stayed in. Meaning he ran all the way to find the building where you were last seen in.
Within a few minutes of running, he stopped. He saw a building that was in pieces. Little fires here and there were ignited around and in the building. It was a tall building, maybe an apartment? Akutagawa couldn't tell with the state that the building was in.
He ran into the smoke and rubble to find anything relating to you. He dug through rocks and wires, but you were nowhere to be found.
Soon, he heard a small crashing sound of rocks. He walked over to where the noise came from and found a pile of debris, along with a hand.
He quietly gasped as he got on his knees and threw off at all the rocks and debris off of the person, only to find the face he had been so longing to see.
It was you.
But at the same time...it wasn't you. The person he held in his arms lacked the warmth he always felt when hugging you, the person lacked the emotion that was always held on your face whenever he looked at you. They lacked the redness on the lips that he always wished he could kiss. They had remnants of tears running down from their eyes, tears he wished he never saw.
The person he held in his hands was truly the person he had loved so dearly.
Yet the person no longer held the life in their eyes that they usually did. And they never will again.
He finally let the tears he had held so long fall. He cried and he sobbed silently, holding your face close to his. His tears fell on the place where yours were many moments before he came.
He held your head with one hand and caressed your face with his other. He wiped off the tears he had placed on your face and buried your face in his neck, his small cries still remaining.
He kissed your forehead while rubbing his thumb across your cheekbones. "You know, I've always felt something around you. And I hated you for making me feel those things. I always felt this anger when you were with anyone but me, I always felt sad or lonely when you were away, and I-"
He paused.
"I always felt this feeling that make me feel almost as if im excited or happy to see you. I guess... I guess what I was feeling was... love. How could I not realise this sooner? I've been so horrible to you, thinking that you had placed some curse upon me. Im so sorry, (Y/N)."
Not long after, he heard the faint sound if sirens that become louder and louder with each second that passed. That's when he knew his rime with you had to be cut short, very short.
"I- I have to go. I'll hopefully see you someday again, (Y/N)." He whispered to you and placed another kiss on your forehead. He placed your head down gently on the ground and got up, reluctantly walking away from the crime scene.
He managed to evade the police cars and the many people rushing into the fallen building, quickly heading back to the base.
He cursed to himself with each step he took. He cursed himself for not being there, he cursed you for being so reckless, he cursed the world for taking you from him. And he even cursed his mentor, he cursed him for not protecting you so could still be alive. He had so much power and yet he did nothing.
His life had changed somehow since you had passed. He became angrier, emptier, and yet more vicious. He trained hard every single day. Hard enough to where he would cough up blood sometimes or faint on the spot.
Dazai had taken a notice if the change in his mood and drive and used it to his advantage. He pushed Akutagawa harder, he pushed his mentee to the brink and nearly breaks him mentally and physically every day. But Akutagawa didn't mind, he respected his mentor with everything he had and it released his anger and guilt of losing you. He often wondered if even something so small and seemingly insignificant, could change the outcome of what happened that day. To change the fact that you were here right now, standing side by side with him.
It seemed like Dazai had no remorse for your death. Like it was just another day. People's curiosities were piqued but soon brushed it off as him being him. But in truth, he did miss you sometimes. You made him smile just the tiniest bit every once in a while, and it made him smile even more when you leaped with joy when you see his grin.
Higuchi still remained loyal to Akutagawa, regardless of whether he treated her like shit or not. Though through her actions and the small recoils that she had become a bit more fearful of Akutagawa.
Behind all that tough and abusive exterior that Akutagawa put up, was a fragile and lonely person who desperately needed to be with the one he had so longed to be with.
But unfortunately, the time will never come for him to be reunited with his one love and saviour.
I tried to make it a bit more angsty. Not very good at angst (if your couldn't tell). This is almost like a rough draft and I might edit it later. Hope you enjoyed! 🤪
