Sudden decisions

15 - Difficult to understand each other

Can

I tighten her hand as I guide her towards my off-road vehicle and I cannot even explain to myself the feeling of that moment. A bright sun, a blue sky and her once again agreeing to tighten my hand and follow me. I feel light-hearted and I know I have a stupid smile on my face despite the situation I've got myself into, which is not at all easy.
I cast a brief glance at her as, once we're off, she remains silent, watching the landscape flow by outside the open window, her long hair blowing in the wind.
I cannot understand how this is possible, but I am aware that everything about her attracts me in a way I have never experienced before with a woman.
Why did she mention a first kiss with her albatross? Possible? So what kind of boyfriend was this Osman then?
The idea that I was the first to touch those lips drives me crazy and only makes me wish with all my being that I was the first in everything for her.
I want to turn around right now and take her to the cabin, hold her in my arms once more, taste her again, caress her like no one has ever done before and then make her mine in every way.
Mine.
That's been my fixed thought ever since I saw her in her neighbourhood hugging that man just now. I have felt an almost irrepressible rage at the idea of someone else touching her, I want to be the only one to have that right now and ... forever. With a thud in my heart I realise with dismay for the first time that I am more than happy to go and claim her as my own on Thursday night. It is a prospect that makes my heart beat with anticipation, I am incredulous myself at the idea, we know each other very little and yet I feel deep down that it is only right that it should be so.

When Polen proposed last night that I spend the night with her, there was not a moment in which I considered accepting. We have been intimate for years and I could have done it, after all I am not yet officially committed to Sanem, but I realised at that moment that the idea of touching another woman lost all interest for me. I came to realise that my body and soul recognised the woman in the theatre as the only one they feel they belong to and it is only her they desire.
I took a step back dissolving myself from Polen's embrace and looked at her seriously trying to make her understand that I was talking very seriously:
"No Polen, I think you have not fully understood what I came to tell you. Our story is over, there is no 'for old times'. I have gone further and so should you'.
"And you would have gone further than me with that little girl from the slums of Istanbul?"
I preferred not to retort to her snide comment, I raised my hand to hail a taxi that was passing by at that moment and, before getting in, I only told her. ' Our story had exhausted its meaning long ago, that's all. We were both aware of it, we just didn't want to admit it and face the situation, the time has come. I wish you all the best for the future.
Bye Polen.

I return to the present and barely turn my head to cast a glance towards Sanem wondering how much longer my affair with Polen would have gone on if I hadn't accidentally kissed a stranger thinking it was her. As if she had felt my gaze on her, she turns to look at me in turn with a sullen expression. I smile softly and incredulously at the idea of how this wren of a woman manages to be adorable in my eyes even when she is clearly angry with me.

"What is it Sanem, speak up come on, what is that pretty little head mulling over?".

At the next look I give her, she seems to have even become furious at my words.

"Don't talk to me in that tone, I am not a doll. I am a sentient being who believes she has to speak her mind when even her future life is at stake."

He pauses, as if to summon all the calm he can muster.

"Listen Can, I want you to really listen to me this time. I just want you to understand that what happened is only my fault, the problem that came up with my family and neighbours is only my problem, alright? You are not to blame for anything, I'm the one who got drunk and then fell asleep on the sofa in your shed. Nothing untoward happened, we both know that, it's not fair that you have to make such a big commitment to atone for faults you don't have. I have a plan, I intend to solve this my way'.

I am about to ask her what this plan is when the ringing of my phone startles us both. I activate the car's speakerphone and find myself involved in a long phone call with Deren who is panicking about yet another company crisis. The printing of the advertising campaign posters for a famous toy brand is hugely delayed and we have to think about outsourcing the work to another company.

As I talk to Deren I cast glances towards her who, once again, has locked herself in her silence, stubbornly looking out of the window until we arrive at the agency. She gets out of the car as soon as I stop the jeep in front of the main entrance without turning back, clearly angry with me.

For the rest of the morning I find myself engaged in a never-ending meeting and have no chance to see her again. When I finally manage to free myself it is now lunchtime, I go to my office to leave the files I have been working on ready to go and find her so that we can have lunch together as agreed.

Emre enters my office right after me. "Selam kardeşim, hello brother. I would need your signature on these spending commitments for the Offset campaign please?"

I just needed to talk to him, I sit down I motion him towards chair in front of my desk as I start to sign the papers he brought me.

"Can you sit down for a moment Emre please? I need to talk to you for a moment."

He looks at me curiously as he sits down.

"Can you explain to me why you went to tell Huma about my intention to ask for Sanem's hand?"

He seems genuinely astonished by the question.

"Why? Was it a secret? I mean, if you do something like that you will surely introduce Sanem to mum soon no? "

I drop my pen and lean against the back of the chair.

"It's not a secret, of course. But I'm not going to introduce Huma to Sanem, ours is not a normal mother/son relationship. She lost the right to play this role many years ago, precisely when I was eight and she left me to move to Switzerland with you. I don't want her in my life and I don't want her here, as I have already told you, but I especially don't want her around Sanem, OK?"

He nods. "Is that why then that you plan to make her leave the agency? To prevent her from meeting Huma?"

I shake my head confused by his words.

"Who is leaving the agency? I don't understand."

He stands up starting to collect the papers I finished signing.

"Brother, I think communication is not one of the strengths in your relationship with Sanem. Don't you know anything about it? She came to me this morning as soon as I arrived at the agency and handed in her resignation. She will stay another eight days to finish her notice period then she will leave'.

I stand up sharply.

What?

I leave the papers and Emre there and walk out of my office in search of Sanem. A quick glance in the open space, to realise she's not there, and I go straight to Guliz's desk.

"Where is Sanem?"

Guliz raises a surprised look at me. "She went to Mr Akif's print shop, as Miss Deren instructed her, to wait to collect the new provisional prints. She specifically told her to stay there until they are ready, she could return later this afternoon."

I have no intention of waiting that long. I walk briskly to the exit of the agency ready to look for her.

I had told her we would have lunch together and so we will, we had to talk and apparently now Miss Aydin will have a lot to say to explain to me why she is thinking of leaving the agency.

She'll have to get over my dead body first to do that, that's for sure.