Sudden decisions

55 - The sad reality

Sanem

I wake up pervaded by a strange feeling of peace, relaxed like I haven't been since ... since that morning when my stupid heart had hoped that what we had shared the night before could be something important, a new beginning and I have to admit to myself that I don't like that at all.

I sit up suddenly on the bed shaking my head, no this time I don't want to be the silly dreamer again who imagines things that don't exist. My parents won't come to see us for a long time, Aziz is leaving soon and he is unlikely to return any time soon either, our truce is over. We can stop pretending to be a real couple.

I get up and after a quick shower I go to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for Aziz, I'm getting the eggs out of the fridge to make an omelette when here he comes in with his usual good-natured smile. "Günaydın Sanem dear."
I smile back at him.
"Günaydın Aziz, come and sit down, it's almost ready."
He sits down at the table justifying himself again. "Daughter I didn't want to give you all this trouble. Has Can gone out yet?"
I nod as from behind I continue to beat eggs in a bowl.
"Yes, he went out before dawn, there's a lot of work at the agency these days."
"Are you thinking of going back to work there too? They could use your creativity right now, the sportswear campaign can't get off the ground and I'm sure you could make a big contribution." His question catches me off guard, I don't know how to answer so I try to tergiverise.
"We had agreed with Can that I would take a period first to prepare for the wedding and then to settle down here in the new house, I still have some things to finalise then I will decide what to do."
As I turn to place the omelette on the table he smiles at me.
"Of course dear, it was all so sudden I guess you need time to get used to married life. I warn you, Can is not an easy person, he has never lived with anyone but me, he has always been alone and it will not be easy for him to get used to living with another person. You have to be patient with him, and then of course it wouldn't take these expiring campaigns to commit him so much right now".  I nod . "Sure, I know that, but it's no problem." I try to give the best interpretation of the understanding wife when I feel his hand rest on mine. "Sanem, you must know that my divorce from Huma has upset my son a lot, it is not easy for him to let go and trust, his mother's abandonment has scarred him deeply." I bring my hand over his trying to reassure him as I feel myself dying at the idea of lying to this good man who cares so much about his son. "I know everything Aziz, Can told me about what he went through and I understand how he feels." This is the biggest lie I have ever told, I think bitterly, I don't know anything about Can, in fact we are nothing more than two strangers who happen to be husband and wife.

Aziz greets me shortly after breakfast recommending. 'So I have your promssa that you will be patient with my son? He is stubborn but basically honest and good-hearted, take care of him and he will take care of you'. With tears in my eyes I nod and hug him. How dear Aziz is, he adores Can and I fear that if he only knew how treacherous and calculating the other of his sons is he would be totally destroyed.
Once I am left alone I tidy up the kitchen and with a heavy heart I decide it is useless to delay, I gather all my things again and take them back to the guest room. Our respite is over, the time out of our time is over and the clock has to be turned back to two days earlier, to my lonely days waiting for time to pass and the time to leave this wonderful place arrives.
Can's call in the late afternoon, to warn me that he won't be back until late in the evening, is confirmation of what I have been thinking, nothing has changed between us, we go back to our original plans waiting for his father's health to allow us to go our separate ways. I hear him return and move around the house when it is now past midnight, for a moment I think about getting up to greet him, but then I give up, what would we have to say to each other? Now that we no longer have the common purpose of pretending for the benefit of our parents what is left? I turn in bed closing my eyes and my heart, there is nothing for me outside this room.