Sudden decisions

67 - Happiness

Sanem

Emerging from the deep sleep into which I have fallen, I first feel the light caress of Can's fingers in my hair to which my stupid romantic heart reacts by beating uncontrollably. Continuing to pretend to be asleep I enjoy this absolutely wonderful moment as wonderful is what he has arranged for this weekend together. It was very nice of him to organise this trip, he put a lot of effort into it and I can't help but appreciate it.
When I feel the touch of his lips on my forehead I can't pretend any longer, I open my eyes to meet that hazel gaze to which I know very well I can't remain indifferent.
"Can" .
He smiles at me with the most beautiful of smiles as he whispers in his hoarse voice: "Sanem aşkım, my love". And that aşkım is something I can't get used to, every time I hear it uttered from his lips it manages to make my heart go crazy with emotions that I struggle to manage right now. His hand continues to move in a gentle caress of his fingertips moving from my hair to my cheek and then down to my jaw until it touches my lips, which open of their own volition as my breath catches in my throat.

Our eyes lock in silent dialogue. Him seem to say, 'We can be this' and mine, troubled, can only reply, 'Believing it can hurt'. And it is this disquiet that makes me sit up to try to put some distance between us, but his large, gentle hands prevent me from doing so. He grabs me by the hips and firmly draws me towards him to rest my back against his chest as I realise he changes the subject to help dispel the embarrassment I'm feeling.

"Do you like it here Sanem?"

I can't help but smile relaxing a little against him as he moves to make me more comfortable against him as he rests his cheek against mine.
"Yes so much, it's a paradise Can, you had been there before?"

He tells me about his week's holiday camping in a tent on the shores of the lake as a university student then we decide to gather our things to get to the shoreline and take a long walk. The day is beautiful.

"Would you like an ice cream? Further along there is a small kiosk if I remember correctly".

We put our shoes back on and leaving the shore he takes my hand to help me without letting go any more. I bring my gaze down to our intertwined hands and then to his beautiful profile as he smiles, talking about I don't even know what, so lost am I in admiring him in silence.

Ne yapıyorsun, what are you doing Sanem? Is this your way of staying detached?
I myself beat myself up for moments of weakness like this, which have become more and more frequent since he joined me in Golcuk.

He is my husband before the law and the world and this makes me euphoric, my heart beats at a different rhythm at the mere idea each time I realise that he is indeed: he is my husband. We sit outside the kiosk at a small table with a checked tablecloth and a colourful umbrella, and as we eat our ice cream I feel on holiday, happy and relaxed, as perhaps never happened to me in the past and certainly never with him before.

As the sun begins to set on the horizon we walk home, hand in hand, as if it were normal and right. I realise that I want it to be just like that, I feel like during our truce, I let the unreality of a life that is what we would like, but that we don't know if it can ever be, or at least it is I who cannot tell if it is real or just temporary fiction as it had been in the past.
Can stows the picnic basket in the boot of the off-roader and then invites me up. I look at him questioningly. "Where are we going?"
"Sürpriz, surprise."
I shake my head amused.
"Be careful Can Divit, I might get too used to your surprises."
He turns to me before starting the car and takes my hand looking me in the eyes suddenly serious.
"That's exactly what I want, for you to get used to me and my surprises." Looking at him intensely I tilt my head to the side wondering what he really means, how much I can trust him after he approached me, making me believe in a new beginning, then disappearing for days without any regard for me.
"I learned the hard way that getting used too quickly can lead to big disappointments you know Can?" He intertwines his fingers with mine bringing my hand to his lips whispering.
"It will be my job then to prove you otherwise Sanem."