Sudden decisions

64 -Stay with me

Can

I slowly feel her relax, letting herself go against the back of the sofa until her head rests on my arm. I turn my attention away from the TV and look at her only to realise that she has succumbed to sleep.
I can't help but take advantage, I move my arm and draw her against my chest, her head resting in the crook of my neck, I hear her sigh.
This is how it should be, every single night of our lives. I enjoy this moment of bliss, taking the opportunity to gently stroke her hair, running my fingers through the long locks that fall to her shoulders.
I also sigh, content to be near her, to be able to inhale her wonderful perfume and feel her light breath on my chest. At the end credits of the film I decide to pick her up and carry her to bed, when I put her down I hear her babbling something about where I will sleep. I wish I could lie down next to her and hold her close to me like that one night in our house, but I know it is not the time, she is not ready for that yet, but the time will come when everything will be different, I am sure of it and I will work every minute of my day to make it happen as soon as possible. I sit in the armchair and watch her sleep for hours, that's all I need, I could go and settle down on the sofa in the living room but I don't want to get away from her, I just need to be near her to feel good.

When I open my eyes in the morning she is no longer in her bed, but I hear the water running in the bathroom. I sit up stretching the muscles of my sore back and moving my head from side to side to ease the discomfort in my neck, the armchair is not the best of solutions but for the moment it's fine.
I take a quick shower and start to prepare breakfast, when she enters the kitchen a little later she seems hesitant, once again on her feet she reiterates that I can go back to Istanbul and I, once again, reply firmly: 'I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying here, with you".
She will see that I have no intention of moving away from her, neither now nor in the future.
So we slowly establish a kind of daily routine, I accompany her to the workshops, I come home to work online and on the phone with Deren and my replacement, then I come back to pick her up to go shopping together and together we cook, tidy the kitchen and go for long walks after she has rested a few hours in the afternoon.
My favourite time, however, is in the evening, when by the soft light of the lamp we find ourselves sharing a too-small sofa and she inevitably falls asleep, eventually collapsing in my arms.
She complains of being perpetually sleepy, I did some research and read that it is normal at this time of pregnancy when hormones are in turmoil and emotions are amplified. That's why I decided not to address any issues concerning us and our marriage for the time being. She is much better, the nausea attacks have greatly diminished, she has regained colour and weight, but I don't want to stress her in any way, there will be time for explanations and apologies. It is enough for me that she slowly seems to be getting used to me, she is more relaxed, smiles often and lets herself go on talking non-stop with that energy and enthusiasm that I could only glimpse in the early days of our story.

It is just as we are sitting at dinner and laughing about an episode from her childhood in which Muzzafer got his head stuck between the iron bars of a bridge, that her phone rings. He lowers his gaze to the display and answers the video call, smiling.
"Merhaba anne, hi mum how are you?"
We listen together to her, Nihat's and most of the neighbourhood's list of ailments until Mevkibe asks.
" And Can? We haven't seen him for a long time".
He gives me a strange look but continues to smile and replies.
"He's here, he's fine, everything is going well mum".
I get up and walk behind her.
"Merhaba Mevkibe, nasılsın, how are you?"
"Oh son, well we are fine. I was thinking, why don't you come for dinner next Saturday? Bring Aziz too, it's been so long since we've seen you."
I am behind Sanem but I can guess she is looking for an excuse to decline the invitation so I beat her to it.
"We would love to Mevkibe, but we are not in Istanbul, we are in Gölcük, I have an important job and I will be here for a couple of months so Sanem has come with me, but I promise as soon as we come back we will come and see you". Once the call is over I return to my seat and look up at her who is staring at me brooding, I nod my head questioningly. "What is it?"
I see her tilt her head to one side in that tender way that only belongs to her when she is perplexed.
"Why did you lie? Why did you say we are here for your work?"
I resume eating and meanwhile explain.