Sudden decisions

23 - Unavoidable

Sanem

"Goodnight erkenci kus, see you on Thursday".

With these last words, whispered in a hoarse voice, I see Can turn around and leave the house without my having had a say in this situation that seems more and more surreal to me.I slowly close the door, sighing, unable to believe that everything is really decided as that man who I know I don't know, but whom I feel is alarmingly close, has just said. I don't understand how it can have come to this in just a few days, and for a moment an anger assails me. Is it possible that there is no way I can get him or my parents to listen to me? Does my opinion mean so little to them?
A voice behind my back seems to have read my mind.

'You must not think he haslittle regard for your opinion Sanem. He is right, you have gone too far now."

I turn sharply only to see Osman coming towards me at a brisk pace, grabbing me by the arm then opening the front door and dragging me out just as the taillights of Can's off-roader are disappearing down the street. "Osman? What are you doing? Where are we going?". He keeps walking briskly in silence, rests an arm on my shoulders and guides me down the street leading to the promenade. "Osman?"

He keeps walking without speaking, we trudge across the busy Muallim Naci caddesi clearly heading towards the public park on the Bosphorus. He continues not to speak until we reach a vacant bench in a secluded corner, barely lit by an old lamppost right in front of the sea.

"Let's sit here Sanem."
"Osman, I mean, what does it all mean?"
"It means that I understood what you meant yesterday when you said 'a lot has happened'. Leyla briefly explained the situation to us while your folks went off to phone friends and relatives to convey the happy news"

I open my eyes wide realising what what he just said means, Can is right: the situation is now out of control.
Osman nods. "Exactly Sanem, that's why I also think, like your Can, that you've gone too far now to turn back".
That "your Can" makes my heart jump suddenly, a throb that may be inappropriate, but I can't deny it.
"Osman, you don't understand, we can't carry on this charade, we can't get married. We are two perfect strangers, I don't know him, but above all he doesn't know me, he doesn't know what I have done and how many lies I have told him.
" What lies? You have never been a liar Sanem."

I lower my gaze uncomfortably, it does me no credit what I did, but I know I have to tell him what absurd intrigue I got myself involved in. He listens to me in silence, his expression at times surprised, at times frowning, I try hard to make him understand that I only did it because I needed the money to help my family.Once I have finished telling him about the lies I told, the night we spent together, Melahat who saw us the next morning, the need to save the deal with Fabri and consequently the agency, I remain silent with my head bowed, watching my hands play nervously on my lap.
"That's how I got myself into this situation that I don't know how to get out of, I don't want to force Can into a shotgun wedding, it wouldn't be fair."
Osman reaches out a hand and with one finger forces me to lift my head to look him in the eye.
"In all this though, you haven't told me how you feel Sanem? Why do I get the impression that the handsome Can Divit is not entirely indifferent to you? You wouldn't have followed him to his hut otherwise."
I feel myself blushing under his enquiring gaze, he knows me well and I cannot lie to him.
"I don't even know what happens to me when I'm with him, all he has to do is get close and I feel like I can't breathe, every rational thought flies away in an instant. It's never happened to me before and I struggle to understand my attitude."
He smiles, returning to rest an arm on my shoulders to hold me tightly by his side.
"You don't understand because it's the first time this has happened to you Sanem, apparently the little Erkenci kus in our neighbourhood has fallen in love."
I pull away from him suddenly to look him in the eyes and protest .
"What are you talking about? We barely know each other, it can't be. Can Divit is my employer, he is a man of power and success, we have nothing in common, isn't it possible?".
He laughs with relish as he squeezes me in his embrace. "And since when do you have to be similar to fall in love?"
I remain silent for a few moments thinking about what he just said. "No Osman, even if I felt attracted to Can in some way, and I didn't say I was, I can't force him to marry me, it wouldn't be fair."

"Sanem, did you see the way he looked at me yesterday morning when he found us embracing in the street or tonight in your house? That is not a man forced by circumstances, to me he looked more like someone who has made a choice and made it clear what his territory is and that no one should be allowed to enter it'.

I shake my head. "What are you talking about? It's just that he thinks you're my boyfriend, I mean there's something between us and..."

He laughs again. "And... and he wants to state clearly: hands off what is mine or there will be trouble. Listen Sanem, he's not a kid nor is he clueless if he got where he is. I don't think anyone can force him to do anything he doesn't really want to do and if he has decided to ask for your hand I believe it is something he wants too. However, the fact remains that by now, as your Can rightly said, it is too late. This story has gone too far, Melahat saw you come home with him at first light, your mother has already started the wedding preparations, you know how it works in our neighbourhood, respectability is something that carries essential weight and don't think only of your reputation, there is also Leyla's to protect".

With my eyes lost in the thousand lights that illuminate the opposite side of the Bosphorus I sigh, aware that I cannot counter his words in any way. My family would be severely upset by my escape, I cannot think of not harming them by leaving Istanbul to move in with Aunt Bahar in Adali.

I sigh, resting my head on my lifelong friend's shoulder. "What should I do Osman?"

He pulls me tighter to his side. "The right thing Sanem, I know you know what the right thing to do is and I also think that it may bring with it unexpected implications my dear. I wouldn't be surprised at all."

I sigh again and we remain silent for a long time, he knows I need to think about what's going on, understand what I really feel for a man who can shake all my certainties from the foundations even if only by taking my hand in his. Could I be in love with him? What about the albatross? I still sigh, aware that the man who kissed me for the first time will forever remain a dream, a harmless fantasy of a romantic girl. Having reached this point, it is clear that I will never be able to find out who he was.

It is only much later that I feel ready to return and we go home in the same silence, free of embarrassment, in which I feel his unconditional support, confident that I will know how to choose what is right for me and my family.

I enter a silent house, it is late, probably everyone is already asleep. I go up to my room and shortly after close the door behind me when here is my mother sneaking in as quietly as a cat. She sits at the foot of my bed and whispering asks.

"How are you feeling Sanem?"

I lower my gaze to hide my bewilderment from her, finally someone deigns to ask me, but it is now too late to tell the truth.

"Fine mum".
I can't let her down, I saw how happy she was tonight at the idea of starting the wedding preparations.
"Sanem, honey look at me."
I lift an uncertain gaze on her and discover a loving smile on her face. "Listen honey, it's all happening fast, it's normal for you to be scared, but I think Can Divit is a good person, I like him, he's an honest and respectful man and I've seen how he looks at you. Don't worry, I am sure he will make you happy'.

My mother's face suddenly becomes indistinct because of the tears that well up in me at the thought of how much my family loves me, as much as I love them. She says that Can looks at me in a special way, can this be true? His is probably nothing more than fiction to make my parents believe that everything is alright, but it doesn't matter,  what matters now is not to hurt my parents, they don't deserve it.