Sudden decisions

26 - As per tradition

Sanem

The idea that Can is my albatross has managed to monopolise my every thought and emotion since I opened my front door on a dream that suddenly became reality.
A virile reality in the flesh who is now walking up the stairs beside me, holding my hand.
Arriving on the upper landing I have a moment's hesitation, I freeze in the sudden realisation that what awaits us once we walk through that glass door is a definitive choice from which there will be no turning back.
I feel myself shaking, my knees soft and my feet seeming to refuse to take another step, I struggle to even breathe.
Can's grip on my hand strengthens, I cast an uncertain glance towards him and discover a reassuring smile on his face.
"Everything will be fine Sanem, you'll see."
His deep voice has a strange calming effect on me and although I can feel my heart continuing to beat at a crazy pace, I realise that I can do it, we can do it.
I nod and taking a deep breath I return a shy smile, we move decisively to enter the living room where everyone has already taken a seat and turns in unison towards us smiling.
I feel a sudden flush of embarrassment at finding myself at the centre of the general attention, instinctively I try to release my hand from Can's grasp who, flashing a huge smile for the benefit of those present, holds it in his, guiding me firmly towards the sofa under the window.
I sit down next to him stiffly, listening distractedly to Can's chatter with my parents and his friends while my mind can only focus on one thought.

"Can is the albatross...Can is my albatross".

I shoot him a look still in disbelief that it could be true, that he is indeed the mysterious man who stole my first kiss and my every thought since I met him.
Sighing, I let my gaze wander absent-mindedly around the room, stopping to observe the silent figure of Emre who stands aside, on a corner chair, scrutinising everyone with a cold, detached expression.
His icy gaze meets mine and I can feel with every fibre of my being that he is up to something, I feel that he will try to harm his brother again.
I look at him with determination, I want him to know that I will not let him, that I know what his intentions are and I will do everything to prevent him.
I look away from him only to meet that of my friend Osman who is watching me with a worried expression. I try to smile to reassure him but, as if summoned by a superior force, I see him shift his attention to my left and remain there for an interminable time. I turn to look at Can and cannot ignore the unequivocal message of warning and challenge that my 'almost' boyfriend is addressing to my lifelong friend.
I feel myself dying at the idea of how many lies there are between us. I did everything I could to convince him of the existence of a great love that bound me to Osman and now it's normal for him to consider my ex-boyfriend's presence at the evening he came to ask me to marry him strange.
How will I get out of this surreal situation?

"Sanem, do you want to go make coffee for our guests?"

My mother distracts me from the gloomy thoughts I am plunged into and with this request starts the traditional ritual of kiz istem, the one that has been repeated for centuries in Turkey to unite two young people in marriage.
I get up, lowering with trembling hands the hem of the short red dress I have chosen for the evening and, without daring to look in Can's direction, I start towards the stairs followed by Ayhan and Leyla.
I listen distractedly to their chatter as we go down to the kitchen and then as, with trembling hands, I prepare the coffee, carefully following all the recommendations my mother made to me a few hours earlier.
I am agitated, aware of the solemnity of the moment I am experiencing, ready to bond with a man I feel I don't know at this point. He is Can, but he is also the albatross, he is my boss, but he is also a man who has been forced by circumstances to ask me to marry him.
"Sanem, what's going on? What is that face?"
Ayhan stands beside me, resting an arm on my shoulder. I shake my head without looking at her face, this is not the time to tell her how I feel and what I found out, I never told Leyla about the albatross and it would be long and complicated to tell her everything now.
"Nothing Ayhan, I'm just afraid I'll get something wrong and burn the coffee." I cast her a fleeting glance and manage to catch her sceptical expression, it's clear she doesn't think I'm sincere, but she knows too that we can't talk right now.