TOXIC

Twenty Seven.

excuse any mistakes♥

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire baby
Even when it's do or die
We could do it baby, simple and plain
'Cause this love is a sure thing

California Monroe

March 2004

"Clover and Cali please, will y'all cut it out?"

"But mommy Clove won't share her Bratz with me!" I said crossing my arms with a pout

"I don't have to share them!" Clove yelled back making a screaming Melo get louder, and my mom sighed deeply trying to rock him to sleep like she had been for the last thirty minutes. 

"Yes huh, daddy said that you did" I said grabbing the doll to snatch from her tight grip.

"Well daddy's not here so MOVE!" Clove said snatching at her doll as we went back and forth. 

"I thought you two said that you were going to help me with your baby brother? Y'all are doing nothing but making it harder on me" My mom said sounding exasperated and Clove stopped her struggle with me for the doll, looking up to my mom who looked exhausted and defeated. 

Clove walked over to the coffee table, grabbing Melo's pacifier and approaching him and my mom, placing the pacifier in his mouth gently, soothing him slightly. Feeling bad as well I went up to them, resting my head on my mom's shoulder, stroking Melo's small head softly as he slowly stopped crying and fell asleep. 

"He's so tiny"  Clove commented watching him closely. 

"He is a tiny baby" My mom agreed, "That means we have to protect him because he can't protect himself" She told us and we nodded still watching Melo sleep. 

"One day you both will have your own babies, and you will love them so so much, more than yourself"

"No way I won't love anybody more than me" I said giggling and she smiled looking over to me. 

"It's true. There's nothing you won't do for your baby because they're a piece of you.  And since they're a piece of you, you hurt when they hurt and smile when they smile. And even though being a mommy is the hardest job in the world, you'll do it with unconditional love because that's what a mommy does."

"Come on y'all let's move quick the baby's heartbeat is faint at best" I heard Dr. Jackie saying as I felt myself being rolled on what I assumed was a stretcher. I opened my eyes and immediately shut them when all that hit my eyes were bright lights and faces. 

"Cali can you hear me?" Dr. Jackie asked from beside me. 

"Is my baby alive?" Was all I could muster up to say. I felt nothing in my stomach where I usually felt her moving around constantly. 

"She's fine for right now, try to stay awake okay? You're her life source try to stay with us" She coached me and I tried so hard, my body feeling as if it just wanted to float away from all of this.

"Don't cut into me" I croaked out, my throat feeling completely dry. 

"You might not have a choice at this point Cali, I'm sorry" She told me with regret in her voice and I felt a bump from the front of the stretcher hitting some double doors.

I grabbed Dr. Jackie's arm so she could really listen to me, "I can push her out, I can just let me try before you do the c-section" I pleaded and I saw her contemplating. Throughout my entire pregnancy I had been researching and reading up on the different birthing options and I had planned to do an all natural water birth at home, but that obviously wasn't going to happen anymore. I still wanted to push my baby out the natural way, having seen too many horror stories of babies being accidentally stabbed and the mom's organs being punctured.