Arcane (Regulus Black)

ten

I was sat in the seat next to the window of the train and we listened to some stupid song about love. Sirius sung at the top of your lungs and all I thought about was the last time we see saw each other. He almost kissed me. Almost. Until Remus walked in.

All I thought about was how Sirius could find someone prettier, funnier and nicer but then Sirius grabbed my hand and told me that the stupid love song reminded him of me and that was when I decided that it did not matter if there were people that were prettier, funnier or nicer because nothing in the world could change the shaking of your fingers as they wrapped around mine.

When we arrived, all I remembered was the conversations with everybody about the attacks on Muggleborns and disappearances. I felt Slytherins smirk every time one walked passed me as I spoke to Taylor. Ever since we got back, the Slytherins had changed too. I could not help but think about what Sirius had said. Could it have something to do with the disappearances. Could his family be behind something? The Slytherins had become more bold with their tactics on bullying the other houses.

-

By ten o'clock the Gryffindor common room was heaving, awash in dazzling red and gold, full of chatter, laughter and such. Sirius had become slightly more reserved now too. He still hung out and openly socialised but I could see it in his eyes. This sense of detachment, as if he was here but not at the same time. Professor McGonagall told us all that was the effect of the cruciatus, sadly. The best we could all do is just treat him normally, not like a sick person, especially not sympathise with him that would only make him act out. But I saw the way he looked at me, dear reader.

You could see it in his eyes. I hope for it too. Maybe we were not quite friends anymore.

The way I smiled for him? And he did for me? Friends did not smile like that.

The way he put his hand on my back. The way he grabbed my knee every time somebody would make a joke when we all hung out. Friends do not touch each other like that.

The way his face lit up whenever I spoke. Friends do not look at each other like that.

The way his voice changed when he said my name. I could hear from across the hall, even when during his sleep. Friends do not talk like that.

Anybody could see it, dear reader, clear as day. We were not quite friends anymore; we had grown into something even greater.

Should friends look at each other the way we did?

Almost. Maybe.

Forever. That's what I wanted us to be. But alas, sadly you never tried.

I remembered it all. At the party, when you kissed her. You looked at her just like you looked at me at
  Christmas.

Almost.

You and I, always almost.

Again and again. Never forever.

Almost. Maybe.

I wondered if you ever recalled the way I could not keep my eyes off of you.

My head on your bare chest, bodies close. All those nights we spent, you cried on my shoulder or I cried on yours.

I watched you sleep, melted into you.

It was an almost moment, the almost moment, that started it all.

We were always on the verge of almost.

Never nothing, never something.

But never again.

I went to the astronomy tower. I did that for the following weeks, whenever there was a celebratory Gryffindor party. Truth was, I could no longer bear watching you with every girl. How I wished, I desired, I yearned for them to be me.