Initial Conditions

demonstration

you hold secrets,
knowledge i need, to detach
from these toxic dependencies -
the right technique to remove the leach,
you hold the key,
i don't need a copy,
just the machinery to make my own,
and for you tell me it's all going to be okay:
coming home to empty house
after a long day
tell me the freedom will outweigh the pain
promise me your appearance does not dissimulate
because i have convinced myself
you live as i hope to
tell me that there's happiness
or at least peace
interwoven of there's loneliness,
that there's no need to fear the quiet
that silence is serenity
that your rooms is are with friends and music when you want them to be,
played and danced to and with freely,
or tell me it's all a lie i've told myself
if you are in fact so terribly lonely,
then we can share at least share the act,
but please, do tell me.
if nothing else, do this for me,
trust with me:
be my trust's sole beneficiary,
because i will never you
and having been ever been faithful
even to wolves who deceived me.
nothing will compromise my integrity
i love on your terms
and still feel the same way
so please,
if you care at all,
help me

🙊

Being in a long term relationship has its drawbacks, one of them being the specter of it ending. Some people live without companionship in such a way that they illuminate the path out of fear and dependency and paint a promise for better days. Unfortunately, getting close enough to these priests or priestesses to learn their secrets can be next to impossible. Their beacons are fenced off with concertina wire, their hard drives encrypted and air-gapped, and they ignore friend requests and direct messages.

This was written for one such person who I greatly admire. They saw me coming and fortified the gates before I got the chance to raise my white flag and now I'll likely never get an audience within. It's like a reverse siege being shut out in this way. Maybe one day I will get to know them better than just the occasional accolades and mentions I overhear. For this, I continue to hold out hope.