Bullied || Shawn Mendes

Chap. 18

•Shawn POV•

I thought about her smile, and the way her cheeks would turn a blazing red color every time I called her beautiful. The way she would always wrap her hands around my neck when we kissed, and when she used to try her very best to make a funny joke.

I kept thinking of her. And only her. She was the only thing on my mind for weeks. I dreamt about her and cried over her when I was alone. Everything about her made me such a better person, I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms every second of every day.

School was a drag for me. It's been a drag ever since I found out the news. My grades have been dropping and I did nothing but stare at the walls all day in class. Kids at school were dumbstruck when they found out what had happened to Tegan. Lunch was always quieter than usual and teachers even seemed to feel down about all that has happened. Everyone wished for the best for her.

Everyone.

Including Austin and Justin. And Lexi, Stacy, and Alex. Everyone wanted her to get better. I haven't heard from Lexi in the past few weeks. She hasn't even been coming to school lately. No one knows where she has been but no one asked. Everyone at school knew she was the cause of this. Lexi knew she was the cause of this.

I honestly do hope Tegan doesn't forgive her.

Tegan has been through too much already and I won't let any sort of friendship come between them. Lexi doens't deserve her forgiveness. What she did almost cost her Tegan's life and nothing could've brought her back. Lexi is lucky she's even alive.

I slouched back in my chair, thinking about nothing but Tegan's condition. There was five minutes left in class and I could barely wait to see Tegan again. I've visited her everyday for the past few weeks but wasn't able to yesterday so I was desperate to see her again.

Sure, seeing Tegan's almost lifeless body made me want burst into tears, and I have a couple times, but being with Tegan is all I want.

I was going to play her a song today. I've been working on it for weeks and it was finally ready. I couldn't wait for her to hear it.

Three minutes.

Everything around me was all silence. I saw that the teacher was talking but payed no attention to her whatsoever. I just wanted to get out of the hellhole. I let my mind go blank and tried to forget about everything for just a few minutes. I knew it was probably not possible but I wanted to see if I could at least try. I wanted to let my body go limp, but didn't want to do that until I was laying in my own bed. Thoughts of Tegan were forced into my mind, and there was nothing I could do to push them away.

The sound of the bell made my body jumped but I ignored the fact that the loud noise startled me and quickly made my way to my locker, rushing out to my car afterwards.

It was a quick ride to the hospital, mostly because I was speeding half the way, and when I made it to the front doors I pushed my way through the doors, running towards Tegan's room. I didn't bother going to the front desk, telling the lady that I was a visitor, I just rushed past everybody, but my heart skipped a beat once I made it to the door.

There sat Lexi talking casually to Tegan, like she wasn't even the cause of any of this.

Like she didn't almost kill Tegan.

"Shawn," she said, her voice weak.

I couldn't even find my voice. Every time I tried to say something I just stood there, motionless trying to find something to say. I didn't want to talk to Lexi. Ever since I found out what she had done, I've hated her. Ever since I realized how Tegan could be gone because of her, I've despised her.

I said nothing to her as I slowly walked over to the bed. I looked at her, and frowned, finally finding my voice, "What are you doing here?"

She looked down at her shoes. I didn't even notice the type of clothing she was in. A dark grey sweater that was much too large for her, black sweats, and torn up converse. She was no longer in her designer clothes and wearing her thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. She really looked torn up, "I wanted to see how she was doing."

"Why weren't you at school?"

"I haven't had the strength to get out of bed lately," she murmured.

I believed her. The bags under her eyes said it all. She really did feel bad. But how could anyone ever forgive someone for something like this? It take a long time, months. Years. She couldn't be forgiven over night.

I didn't even know what to say, I stood there looking at her in awe. A tear streamed down her cheek but she wiped it away, sniffling and standing up, "I should go," she said, "You don't want me here."

She walked and I said nothing before she was halfway down the hall.

"Just one more thing," I said catching up to her. She turned looking at me, her eyes red from tears, "Why did you do it? Why did you ever do anything to her?"

She wiped her eyes and frowned, "Why did you?"

And with that she turned and rushed off.

I turned around walking back towards Tegan, trying to process what had just happened.

Why was the real question. Why was what everyone wanted to know. Why was what I wanted to know. Why did I do that? Why did I ever do that?

Well, I couldn't tell anyone why. I didn't even want to remind myself why.

I wanted to be cool. I just wanted to be friends with Austin. The first time I hung out with them was the first time I saw Tegan. I had never noticed her before, even with her in one of my classes. They tormented her, and pushed her, calling her names and laughing.

And I watched.

I watched, and let everything happen because I wanted to be Austin's friend. I hate myself for everything I had done. Or.. hadn't done. Everything that happened was because of me. It was because I didn't stop them that day when I should've. I shouldn't have watched. I should've been the bigger guy and stopped what was happening before it got too far. But it did get too far. Because the first time I hung out with Austin was the first day I had ever seen any person in so much pain.

And that's when the thought hit me. If Lexi doesn't deserve her forgiveness, then neither do I.

How could she have forgiven me. I could easily do it again. Of course, I would never, even if it meant being cool. If hanging out with Tegan meant not having any other friends then so be it. I'm doing it for her.

But I have no clue why she would ever want to be with me. Because if you thought about it long and hard, I am a reason for all of this.

If Tegan dies, it's all my fault.

"No," I whispered, "No no no."

Nothing could make me feel any worse than I do right now. Nothing made me want to punch through a wall more than this. I wanted to break something, I needed to break something, but I also needed to keep it together. I wanted to be with Tegan.

So I went out to my car and arrived back with my guitar in my hand. I tuned it until I was satisfied and sat in the chair next to Tegan.

"Tegan," I said, wiping tears that had made their way down my cheeks, "I wrote you a song. It's a song for you and only you. Because I love you. It's called A Little Too Much."

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alright y'all i seriously love writing this book SO MUCH OMG SJDJJSND. im listen to shawn rn omg. thank you all for being so supportive i love you guys sosoosos much!!!! btw im really bad with past tense and present tense so if you notice im doing it wrong pls ignore it thx:)

if you havent already check out my blog. link on my profile thanks:)) and seriously someone message me im bored lol

if i wrote another book would you guys read it?