Bullied || Shawn Mendes

Chap. 12

"Are you alright?" Brandon asks, finally breaking the awkward silence between us. The tension was thick and uncomfortable, and I'd do anything to get out of this situation.

I nod my head, not saying anything to him, but smiling at him as best I could. But he didn't believe. He looks over at me and frowns but I turn my head towards the window, trying to fight back the tears.

"I know you don't want to do this. Trust me, I get it. But it's for your own good. We're only trying to help."

"Don't know how many times I've heard that." I murmur, my nose pressed against the class of the car window.

I hear Brandon chuckle and I turn my head towards him. He smiles at me but shakes his head. I can't help but smile back at him.

"Trust me, once this is all over, you'll be happy mom and dad made you go."

The session goes by slow, the slowest session I've had so far. All my therapist does is ask me why I've done this to myself. Why I cut, and why I hate myself so much. The answer is simple, because of them. They tortured me every day. And everyday, I went to school knowing exactly what would happen to me.

"Okay, here is what I want you to do," my therapist says to me. "Try. . .talking to them. Perhaps, if the knew who you really are, they'll want to be your friend. And if that doesn't work, and they keep bullying you, you tell a trustable adult immediately. Sound good?"

My eyes immediately widen. I stare at her in shock, looking for any words to say.

"Are you crazy? That's basically just an invitation for them to hurt me!" I snap. "I can't talk to them!"

"I know it-"

I cut her off, but not knowing exactly what I want to say. "No, you don't know what it's like to be me. I can't just ask them to stop amd suddenly be their best friend. It doesn't work like that."

My breathing suddenly accelerates, and I feel like my lungs are getting smaller and smaller by the second. I don't want to be in here anymore. I don't want to have to talk to this person anymore. She's only making things worse. She's not making my life better at all.

I find myself running out of the doors of the room and running into the waiting room. Brandon suddenly stands when he sees me in front of him and I pratically throw myself into his arms. His arms tighten around me and we stay like that for a long time, until my therapist walks out and calls for me.

"I know it's hard. But I'm here fo help you get better. I'll see you next week, alright?" her voice is soft and calming. sje lays a hand on my shoulder and smiles at me. I force a smile back amd nod my head, wiping the falling tears from my cheek.

Brandon and I walk out to the car without saying a word to each other. I can't help but think he is angry at my about something, but I wouldn't know why. Maybe he's embarrassed to have such a weak sister like me. After all, I did cry in his arms in front of a large group of people in the waiting room. I wouldn't blame him though, I would be embarrassed too. 

My sweaty palms lay in my lap on the way home, and I stare down at them the whole ride home. I want to talk to him. I would talk about anything. I enjoy talking to Brandon. I really do. He listens to me. And he understands. It's easy to talk to him, when I'm not depressed or crying or freaking out.

"Brandon. . ." I say, my voice weak and quiet.

He changes his attention from the road to me for a quick second before looking back. He raises his eyebrows, indicating that he is listening and I cotinue, "I just--are you angry with me? You know, for running out of her office and crying like an idiot."

"Teagan," he sighs, his attention still on the empty road ahead of us, "of course not. You know that. This is all a part of getting better."

An awkward silence takes over the car and I find myself thinking about my dad. I have absolutely no idea where he is at the moment. He doesn't want me to know and my mother won't tell me either. I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to see him for quite a long time.

Soon, I walk inti the silence of my home and find my mother in the kitchen, preparing the table for dinner. I know it's rude, but I'd much rather sit in the cold silence of my bedroom and eat alone then sit with my family and eat. Things just get too awkward for me. My mother says hi to me and I politely nod my head at her, not saying anything.

"How was it, Sweetie?" her perky voice echoes in my head, bringing an intant headache to me.

"Fine. . ." I replied, not wanting to telk her about my embarrasing break down, "I don't feel well. I think I'm going to lie down in my room."

The rest of the night goes by slowly for me. Though, I spent it locked up in my room by myself, I worried that someone would come into my room and bother me. Luckily, that did not happen. Now, all I have to do, is survive school.

Two months pass, and much quicker than I expected. I've been seeing my therapist everyday after school and everytime she tells me the same exact thing.

Try to talk to them and work things out.

I'm not exactly sure what that means, and I'm not exactly sure if she is even a real therapist. She hasn't helped me. She doesn't know what its like to live like me. You can't just talk it out with the people who tell you to kill yourself everyday. It doesn't work like that. I wish it did, but it doesn't. The way I can stay out of situations like that is to avoid them as much as possible. Or. . .to kill myself. 

It's not like I haven't thought of that before. I often do. But I always find myself thinking of what the consequences might be. If I'm actually succesful, what would  my family do? Just the thought of it makes me cringe, but the thought of living makes me cringe as well.

For the past couple of days, I found myself always walking around my neighborhood, by myself, after therapy. It was somewhat good advice that my therapist had given to me. She told me to walk anywhere I felt like going. The fresh air would take my mind off of things, and I could just think about myself for a while. Surprisingly, it actually worked. With everything going on in my life, I didn't actually think that I'd be able to take my mind off of everything.

The sun is setting, and the clouds and sky are now a blue and orange color. I don't know where I am, but it doesn't really matter. I've just been walking on without caring where I'd end up.

I slowly walked through my garage door, after a couple of hours of walking through my neighborhood. I found my brother and my mother sitting at the dinner table eating my mother's family famous chicken soup. I looked over towards the couch in the family room and saw Aaron peacefully taking a nap on the couch, his small body curled in a ball with his thumb in his mouth. Looking back at the table, I eventually met eyes with Brandon. He smiled at me, and I smiled back, sitting with them at the dinner table. Seeing my mom and Brandon smile at me made me think of everything they've done for me.

K know my parents are divorced, but they still love me. And I know they always will. They decided to get a divorce because of complications in their relationship, not because they hate me or each other with a burning passion. And Brandon has done everything possible to make me a happy and better person. And I can't ever aporeciate them enough for what they have done for me.

"How was your day, Sweetie?" my mother asks, smiling big at me.

I looked up at her and smiled, "great. Today was a pretty good day, Mom."

--

so um a bit of a happy ending for u guys (: im really srry for any grammatical or spelling errors i just wanted to update for u guys so i didnt edit the chapter(so if sentences dont make sense its bc i didnt edit it). and i promised my friend id update today so now she cant yell at me at school tomorrow lol. and srry if this is a sucky chapter its just a filler chapter so the next one will most likely be better mkay?(: ily guys so much you dont even know !!

and if u guys want you should follow my ig @holymendesx