Where's My Happy Ending (Sad Bakugo)

chapter 21: What if I just let go?

Everybody experiences the drop in there life. The moment the ferris wheel hits rock bottom. Or when the car runs out of fuel and crashes. Or when your phone dies.
But in all these scenarios we know we all see the end coming. You go on a ferris wheel for the thrill or to see the top of the world, yet you know eventually you will come to the bottom. And that thrill will die out.
And when you get in a car you always have the urge to check the fuel. Make sure you won't crash. But some speed up and go faster because they need something to feel. Some ignore the fuel on purpose because deep down inside they want to crash. They want a wake up call. Or maybe they truly didn't remember. But that could still be blamed on them.
And when you spend time on your phone you know it's wasting battery but you can't care less because you need that distraction. That burning heat in your hand. That endless blinking of the eye as another scene appears in your screen. Or maybe it's staring at the picture filled with filters and Photoshop making you want to change yourself. All these things are because you can't stand life.
That thrill of being on the top of the world.
That thrill of the wind speeding by as you watch that pole appear closer and closer.
That thrill of living in your phone and avoiding life.
All these thrills come to an end. And you are left with a dread. A remembrance why you do what you do. BECAUSE YOU CANT STAND YOUR LIFE.
You can't stand yourself.
Truth is you can do this forever.
But eventually that thrill will die out. And you will want... No need. Another thrill.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Those gentle cuts that cause you to wince.
That burning feel on your palms once you explode another fucking villain.
Okay... Maybe that was specifically targeted at the young boy.
Point is, everyone experiences their drop.
Some experience at a young age and spend their life trying to climb out of the hole others dig for them. (Izuku "deku" midoriya).
Some ignore their own emotions because they know they need to protect and be a stronger person. (Uraraka "uravity" Ochako and Tsuyu "Froppy" Asui)
Some experience it all there life and when they experience the simplest type of pleasure, happiness, they believe it is all a joke. (Todoroki Shoto)
Some don't know how to deal with it and that trauma and hell they experience is turned into something else. (Mineta and tokoyami)
Some stay positive and push forward. (Mina "Alien Queen" Ashido and "Eijiro "red riot" Kirishima)
Some pretend to be happy. (Denki "charge bolt" kaminari)
Some turn that pain into hate and rage. (Tenya iida)
And some experience this all.
(Bakugo "Dynamite" Katsuki)

Trauma at a young age. Check.
Faking positivity. Check.
Turning that pain into rage and hate. Check.
Ignoring his emotions. Check.
Trying to protect others because he feels he has too. Check.
Doesn't know how to deal with his trauma. Check.
The only one not so true is the pushing forward.
Cause not matter what he seems to do he just falls deeper.
He likes to tell himself he tries but the world hates him.
But when he opened his eyes and saw the white walls of the hospital and heard the sounds of the machine measuring his heart beats he realized something.
He was driving that car at full speed wishing he would crash. Hoping the would get pulled over. Praying he would turn a little to far and drive into a pole.
Everything inside him was breaking. His heart. His bones. His soul. His voice.
He was losing himself.

As his classmates piled into the room and leaned over him asking him questions all he could think about was, did I ever know myself.
All he ever was, was what others needed him to be. A hero. A bully. A punching bag. The puncher.

And as his classmates began crying he didn't hear them. Instead he blinked softly imagining the hand he held on to so desperately letting go of him.
He imagined his body falling gently through the air.
He imagined the impact of his body against the hard water.
He imagined and imagined the many ways he could go. But he knew he would never have the heart to do it.
Because he knew he loved. He still cared about the world. No matter how evil it was to him.
But he also knew he couldn't live if he would continuously lose. If he continued breaking there wouldn't the anything left of him. He didn't know how long he could last. Or how long he could hold onto himself. How long he could last dangling on the edge of death.
He didn't know nearly enough.
But he did know he was willing to fight.
He just didn't know if he had the strength to survive the battle.

(Future author here, this is probably the only chapter I didn't edit. This has got to be my favorite part in this book. Truly shows the feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts, while also showing the need of comparison to others simply to prove you are trying.)