Foreign Feeling

1 (Creative title, I know!)

As much as this story is about me, I still feel that it focuses more upon my observation of others' behavior.

People fear change. They become comfortable with what is familiar and therefore set their bindings. When a person's surrounding recognitions are all the same, discomfort and hostility can welcome difference. People fear what is different because it is unknown.

In a society that perpetuates, even without the use of words, the message of what an "ordinary" person's life should be, people start to build up their own expectations. Unbeknownst to many, these expectations will naturally be stripped down as they recognize that the life one has is in fact their own.

For those who do not confront the integration of society being different, they may be unaware of the daily absence of acceptance and the exclusion that occurs when different in identity. It may even be as severe as not knowing of or recognizing the existence of certain peoples.

I am not ashamed of who I am, yet sometimes it fills me with frustration when I bite my tongue back because it is exhausting to explain who I am to another person. I do not owe them that. Even if people do recognize asexuality/a-romanticism they may come across as if they are treating you as a child. I believe this comes not from malicious intent, but a lack of reference point in their lives. Letting them know your boundaries and clear communication helps. If a true friend, they will respect you.

When I was young I was told that I'd grow up a woman, have a husband, and children. They'd ask me as a young child how many kids I would like to have. I honestly think it said more about my sibling relationship than any future desires.
I was conditioned to link certain things to gender and love which ultimately harmed my understanding of the world and limited my self expression. I am trans nonbinary/agender for context and frankly it is hard to be vulnerable about the fact that I am afab because letting people in on that when I have the ability changes their perception of me and our relationship. Yet, how I've grown, especially with my gender identity is not something that can be separated from the other parts of my queer identity.

When I was young, I believed that if I were older people would take me seriously; that those around me would value my opinion and trust my words, but I didn't know I would have to make them. Children are often undermined by how we view them and the validity to their words. I strove to be "mature" too young because I wanted to be heard; seen; valued. I thought that if I feigned knowledge and interest in sex like many kids in middle school that they would accept me. It was seen as a mature thing then.

When I was five, I would pick people to have "crushes" on because everyone else did; I conformed to those around me. I didn't understand them. Having this behavior caused me to look into the books I read, question every friend I had and think to myself, "Is this it? Or am I just romanticizing the situation?".
I was told that love was an exciting event, to anticipate its arrival with great celebration.
What I was told was nothing like my experience; if anything it just threw me off my path.

"Everyone" seems to have had a point in their life they played truth or dare, or some variation of childish immaturity and shock at pubescent crushes, infatuation, and sex. For me, I found myself making up people to be approved of. I didn't like people trying to pry. If I said I didn't like anyone no one would believe me. Another harmful belief or trope was the "first crush" where someone treating you unkindly likes you. Of course I didn't like them! They picked on me and my insecurities. Extremely toxic to encourage that as romantic.

For my lack of the internet exposure or internet culture knowledge, I was deemed the "innocent child". It felt demeaning to be treated as less than for not knowing things I wished not to know of. I didn't know how to live to their expectation of normalcy; I tried, but didn't achieve it. I know now I don't owe them that.
I had been scarred by the internet far too young and it led me to have a messed up view of the world, one reason discussions need to be had earlier.

My parent's have brought up many times in my life, especially after I came out to them as trans, that they wish for me to have children. They try to convince me not to change my body because misled fear. I am not going to jump into permanent affirmation that will harm my life etc. I am not one to put such efforts forth without extensive research and advice from reliable sources.

My mom tried to convince me not to have top surgery, saying that after her breast reduction she no longer felt sensation the same, that sexual contact was not as pleasurable. That was in no way a convincing argument to me considering my utter lack of desire to have a sexual partner. Even if I were in that situation, I would not desire to have sex with these body parts. Being with a partner is vulnerable.

People overemphasize the importance of sex in life. I don't view my libido as any inclination towards a desire to actually be with someone. It is kind of like I have the equipment, but it just doesn't point at anyone. Most of the time I feel aesthetic attraction. It sometimes comes along with sensual attraction too. If I see someone pretty, I gush over their aesthetic, or just how beautiful they are, but I have no desire to enact in anything with them. Sometimes I worry that if I compliment someone too much they will think I am flirting haha.

Despite my lack of sexual desire and occasional sexual repulsion, I am extremely adamant on having significantly improved sexual education. It shouldn't be one talk, but a review of resources students can use for credible information from online. That way, they won't have misinformation or a risk of sexual exploitation. The lack of consent education is dire and detrimental to the wellbeing of so many people. Not to mention, people have a right to know their own bodies and know without shame they are allowed to explore safely. Lgbtq+ especially needs sexual education because it is endangering youth by not having this information. I believe abstinence programs to be worse than comprehensive because many teach shame and fail to recognize that avoiding sex until marriage does not mean they will know what to do when that occurs.

My first "real" crush was an attraction, or rather attachment to a best friend in my last year of middle school-first year of high school. I found her pretty, intelligent, and our conversation easily flowed. I gave off mixed signals a lot. I was no where near her in terms of my queer journey and had not come out. I was still learning to accept myself and understand others. I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I unhealthily followed after her interests in exploration because I felt uncomfortable doing so without a friend to anchor me. I hindered my possible friendships then and failed to recognize the overwhelming weight cast on someone's sole reliance. I ended up never telling it to her straight, even if I hinted. I think she at one point was asking me out. I can't be sure. I pushed the feelings away and eventually they faded. It was painful. I wanted our friendship to last after so many years too. I started to branch out later and high school, during quarantine I finally learned that conforming so heavily was not my way. I made huge progress in my social anxiety and that year and a half away from people my age gave me time to learn about lgbtq+ on youtube and explore myself.

Recently, I had a night filled with fun in a game of Jack Box. It was refreshing to socialize. Most of the teenagers there were making sexual jokes and so I went with the drift, but as I fail social cues at times I sometimes go too far. I felt uncomfortable in the back of my mind, yet I also felt recognized and appreciated when people liked my humor. I joked with them about me being too aroace for this because I felt that outright saying it may change the mood. I did not want to let on that I felt a clear difference between them and I. It felt a bit lonely, yet I was in a space I knew people would not judge me for my queerness :).