Foreign Feeling

Neurodivergency, Identity, & Labels

   

Tw: mentions mental abuse/sexualization

 So, I am neurodivergent, which makes so much more sense of my life and especially my identity. Just as i don't connect to many societal "roles" or "norms" I don't connect to gender. I am agender. Just me. 

As for labels, I don't find myself defined by them. They're tools to me for explaining what is NEAR an experience or aspect of me without having to explain my whole life story. Whether that fluctuates, changes, or feels off and I leave it behind; I am okay with that. 

You see, within groups and minorities, especially when it comes to discrimination and oppression, they have this idea of what a "true" person of an identity is-when really that's just the DOMINANT narrative and only ONE person's experience-not an entirety. Generalizations cause harm-especially prejudiced stereotyping. 

When we box ourselves in and put a standard on others it complete bs. Rather than push another away from their gender identity or sexual orientation or etc. we should support them no matter what-even if they were just questioning. What they feel and felt is valid. All experiences are VALID. So, we should be terminating this toxic culture of shaming people for "being wrong."

Identity, especially when development of the brain is still occurring, is fluid and such of these are societal constructs! Sometimes we get caught up so much in labels and everything that we don't respect others not having any. Let them live their lives! It's their decision whether or not they use labels. 

Much of my misunderstanding and confusion when it came to my romantic attraction to girls also stemmed from how my mom mentally abused me and pushed harmful views of people in my eyes. She encouraged me into repeating her unhealthy habits gained from her eating disorder and black and white thinking. She sexualised my body, so how I discovered myself was complex due to trauma.

For a long time I felt confused and frustrated at not knowing oe having a label for myself. I didn't know anyone else who felt the same way and had never heard of being aromantic-or being aromantic for one gender, but asexual for another. I was desperate for guidance and validation. I didn't understand myself because I hadn't been represented before. I'd watch youtube videos talking about being gay, trans, bisexual, pansexual, just trying to connect, but it felt.. off and for a long time I was stuck in rigid thinking from how i was brought up; thinking there was only a gender binary. 

I had a crush on someone in a way that I wanted a qpr (queer platonic relationship) with them, but didn't understand it. I think that even though I am over them I felt hung up on them for a while more because they were a queer awakening for me. It's difficult to discern emotions you haven't felt before.

I'm happy not being with someone. I am happy for my friends finding someone. I am happy to spend time with friends. While I don't need it, i feel like I'd one day love to be in a qpr with someone or a couple people. I'd want to have a deep bond, cook for each other, sing, watch or read something, have pets together. I'd want to cuddle them and talk about the deep philosophies we have and more, but nothing more than a deep friendship really. An in-between for romance and friendship maybe. I don't know what the future holds, but I'll be happy to focus more on me rather than someone else. Whatever occurs will occur. 

Some things I'd love to do are share memes and encourage each other. I like hanging out with friends too. I really do. I hope I find a good friendship one day. But for now, i'll just keep on going forward.