Foreign Feeling

That "Am I Gay?" Moment

      I believed when I first realized I was queer, or at least started questioning and learning about the lgbtq+ I found myself seeing a lot of people talking about their experiences and not relating to them.
     I don't feel like I really had a "moment" and it feels isolating when it seems lighthearted to many, but a pinnacle I do not relate to as much. I think I over-romanticize and generalize what occurred because I want to feel as if I suit that reality-that I can relate. I sometimes overdramatizing or change details because it appeals better or its exhausting to tell them different and be vulnerable.
    I think I have told the story innacurately, so many times that it has romanticized and blurred what really occured. Lgbtq+ journeys are not easy and they are scary.
     I probably told the story in such a way to feel as if at that time I didn't shy away from being proud of who I may be.
     I don't even know if what I had for that person was even a crush, or a mere imaginative desire. I feel as if when I recognized I was open to liking girls it took me a moment and knowing the first person I was dared to kiss was the same I went on that path.
     I think I wanted a relationship? Yet, it was only one idealized. I might have admired her intelligence, and our bonding, but in the end I think it was just a deeper level of friendship. I found her aesthetically pleasing, but I think I was mistaken because I was not crushing on her- I made myself dependent on her sticking to the image I had of her. She didn't ask for that.
   I was not at a point I could be in a relationship and frankly it hurt to let those feelings go. I think that one time I cried because she was straight, but when I found out she wasn't I panicked. I picked friendship.
  The pinnacle of my "journey" or starting of questioning was when I examined how I felt about the people around me wearing rainbow shirts.
   I went on a trip to Ellis Island in NY.
It was an extremely hot summer. I was about to enter  high school. There were people around me I assumed the gender of. I thought those assumed girls were pretty and I also was curious as to how they could be so brave in wearing their shirts. I still held a bit of internalized homophobia then.
    I drew a picture of a woman I saw with dyed hair and a piercing. It was not a romantic feeling, but aesthetic attraction. I felt butterflies in a certain way, or like a warmth. I had no desire behind it. I did not know how to discern my feelings. I remind myself every aroaces experience is valid. I have to tell myself because I know mine hasn't been black and white, nor anywhere near a smooth path.
    I had a thought of panic in my mind, yet I think that summer was when I started questioning something a long time coming.
     For a while, I believed the fact that me making up crushes to fit into truth or dare games when younger or etc. was because I didn't find guys attractive, but that wouldn't make sense anyways considering I'm queer and I can be. The reason was I didn't have those feelings. I felt pressure to conform. If I didn't the kids around me would be hostile or believe I was lying- reject my difference.
    It is different when at a different brain maturity for interactions now, but it goes beyond that in the way people's behaviors are still ingrained.
     I am unfortunately becoming too used to being unseen. I am no recognized as nonbinary nor aroace. People doubt our existence; our very validity.
    I recently watched a video from JaidenAnimations talk about her aromantic asexuality. It felt so refreshing to find representation from her and using her platform to help. It was beyond clarity to me.
    I recall a significant, yet blurry memory from when I was young watching a video of hers. At the time she identified as pan. I don't think I remember my treating or belief of lgbtq+ then. I had not been exposed, so I did not really understand. I remember hearing what she said and having internalized homophobia- discomfort, but still admitting, "I should date all people, that way it's fair!" It still didn't feel right, but not in the way I was thinking. It just wasn't me. I find it funny how my child self reacted that way and yet it makes sense of so many things for me.
     I proceeded to forget ever questioning my sexuality after that until middle school haha!
   I recall middle school- before I had truly realized for myself-that I stared at this guy and girl dancing and thinking, "they are so attractive".
    I did not understand sex in the immature social hierarchy of teenagers. I was named the "innocent child". It felt degrading to be treated in such a way. I was not any less intelligent or unequal to them. It wasn't that I didn't know (some I didn't), but it was uncomfortable to speak about. I hated the way people made assumptions of me. The way they treated me better when I talked about something I only knew from being exposed to the internet at a young age; a traumatizing event.
     I don't owe it to anyone to explain who I am yet I still want them to understand me.
How can I do that when I struggle to truly understand myself? I am an unreliable narrator to my past. My present is one I claim and my future is what I explore. I have validity in my voice and definition because I am the one who knows that best. If I get stuck in analyzing the past, I will lose sight of what is most important to analyze in the present. I have grown from who I was. While I may have been that person, I no longer am. They will not know who I was, but if lucky will know who I will be.