Foreign Feeling

"You will always be my daughter"

    If only you knew how much it hurt to hear those words. For you to say you were "grieving" for me and yet would never allow me to call my deadname my DEADname. It has been an exhausting and seemingly endless line of me begging you for some form of support and acceptance; to grasp on to any sense of such in our relationship.
    When I was young, I promised I'd always be your little girl, but I would not know the price paid for being anything but; for them not seeing who I truly am today. I am not that child even if I was to you. I am not your daughter. When mom outed me that day you showed me pain; not love. You showed me your biggotry and closed-minded heart. There was a reason I didn't tell you and now I live with that weight of having been honest.
    I knew your intentions were not malicious in telling me those words. Sometimes I wish that I was not able to understand others so well; to empathise because it makes it so much harder to be angry. But I will not continue to mute my own voice. I will no longer allow these boundaries to be crossed. I will never cease to defend and advocate for myself and for you I will NEVER play pretend. I will find my true home one day and a family of people I can call my own, but for now I only hope.
      I settle on this horizon and hold my breath, heave sighs at the seemingly trillions of miles away they are in my sight. I will not settle for anything less than what I need. I will cross that road when I need to, but even when the dusk seems so frighteningly dark, I look up at the lights in the stars and my soul stills within their beauty. How is it that the universe can be so expansive when people's molds don't continue to grow? I don't know if I will ever understand, but I still feel connected to the admirations I have in life and the feelings I hope will never leave me. Hope is an encompassment of what moves me forward. Hope is what brings my desires to life. And hope will remain stagnant in my soul; never to leave me. I do not know what the future will being and I waver at the hands I have been given, yet I still believe in my capabilities to shine light on what has been forecasted to hit me. I am faithless and yet I pray to myself that these linger wishes will one day become reality. I believe that I can make it and I will take my chances in full, knowing that there are those in this world I can lean on.
     It has been over a year now and much progress has been made. I would have doubted this change then, sat in my despair, but I did not give up or give in and for that I am proud.