L O L A (COMPLETED ✔️)

15 // Day 125

You wake up at night with this sick awful feeling that something terrible is going to happen
You listen intently into the darkness waiting to hear anything, everything
I hate crying on my own
Before my mother died I always used to crawl into her arms and cry
I didn't know why
I just did
Soon I grew out of crying
I just stopped and swallowed everything down and spewed anger and indifference
Now my glands are swollen and I can no longer swallow
So I stumble in a blurry haze into her room
Lie beneath her cot and cry hoping she won't remember
Her weak pathetic fucked up father
I cry because I screwed up
I cry because an innocent girl was subject to my anger and died
I cry because I don't know what I'm doing
I cry because I can only vividly imagine Lola hating me
Despising every ounce of my being for destroying her mother
For disrespecting women, sleeping around, treating them like dirt
The tears come hot and thick and I bite down hard on my lip to stop myself from crying out
I don't want to give up
I don't want her to hate me
Maybe it'd be better if she had someone else to look after her
I just lie beneath her cot and drown myself in my sorrows
Lola begins to cry