Empires Short Stories

Empires incorrect quotes #3

I have nothing to do and I need to update sooo

Joey: *writing a letter*
Joey: Dear Santa,
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

Xornoth: Your existence is confusing.
Joey: How so?
Xornoth: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

Scott, looking at a dead phone: How do we bring this thing back to life? Magic? Live sacrifice? I know a guy in town-

Lizzie: Relationships should be 50/50. Joel cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Jimmy: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!
Scott: Jimmy-
Scott: It- it was just an ant-

Jimmy: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Scott meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

Pearl: Hey, Katherine? Can I get some dating advice?
Katherine: Just because I'm with Shrub doesn't mean I know how I did it.

*Katherine teaching Pearl to drive and taking Shrub along for the ride*
Katherine: That's a pothole. To the left!
Pearl: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*
Shrub, sticking their face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth.
Pearl: I don't think that's how the song goes.
Katherine, crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home.
Pearl: Country Roads.
Shrub: To the place.
Pearl and Shrub in unison: I Belong!
Katherine, crying harder: What the fuck?

Pix: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Lizzie: Several traffic violations.
Katherine: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Joel: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Jimmy: Also, that's not our car.

Katherine: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Pix: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Lizzie: Drunk.
Jimmy: Wasted.
Joel: Dead.

Sausage: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.
Gem: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Sausage: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Scott: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
Fwhip: Looks like someone's a HO.
Gem: NaBrO.
Joey: I'm done with all of you!

Fwhip: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away.
Gem: What makes you say that?
Fwhip: If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?
Gem: Fwhip... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you?
Fwhip: *screams in anger*

Pix: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
Katherine: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Joel: I kicked Jimmy in the shin-

Jimmy: -So I kicked Joel between the legs.

Lizzie: I burned a town down.

Pix: What?!

Jimmy: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Lizzie: A lot of things.

Joel: No shit.

Xornoth: It's funny how well you and Joey get along. Didn't they hate you at first?
Sausage: Joey hates everybody at first. It's their way of reaching out to people.

Joel: If I say I love you, will you say it back?
Lizzie: Yes.
Joel: I love you.
Lizzie: It back.
*Later*
Jimmy: Why is Joel crying face-down on the floor?

Joel: I dare you-
Lizzie: Jimmy is not allowed to accept dares anymore.
Joel: Why not?
Jimmy: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Sausage: What happened to Fwhip?
Gem: They died.
Sausage: They what?
Gem: They died, but they're okay.
Sausage: ...Can you please clarify?
Fwhip: Clarification is for the weak.

Gem, texting group chat: What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I'm at the store so be quick!
Fwhip: Moose Tracks is good!
Sausage: What the fuck is that!?
Fwhip: *Gasp* How dare you insult moo-
Sausage: No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It's like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like "Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR.
Gem and Fwhip: what?
Sausage: I don't get it why add the EXTRA u when it's PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?
Gem: You done now?
Sausage: Yeah ok.
Gem and Fwhip: ...
Sausage: ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour?

Pix: Christmas lights?
Sausage: Check.
Joel: Thermos of hot cocoa?
Sausage: Check.
Jimmy: Santa suits?
Sausage: Check.
Fwhip: Shovel?
Sausage: Check.
Scott: Alibi and bail money?
Sausage: Check- wait, WHAT?!

Jimmy: Scott kissed me!
Fwhip: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Jimmy: It was unbelievable!
Fwhip: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Joel: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Fwhip, get the wine and unplug the phone. Jimmy, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Jimmy: Oh, it ended very well.
Fwhip: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Joel: Okay, alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Jimmy: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Joel: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?
Jimmy: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
Fwhip and Joel: Ohhh.
*meanwhile*
Scott eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.
Sausage: Tongue?
Scott: Yeah.
Pix: Cool.

Joel: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
Pix: Theft.
Fwhip: Disturbing the peace.
Sausage: Aggravated assault.
Scott: Arson.
Jimmy: All of the above. In that order, probably.

Shubble: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-
Shubble: *sees Pearl shoving Gem into the washing machine while Katherine records and Lizzie watches*
Shubble: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

Katherine: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
Pearl: IT.
Shubble: Annabelle.
Gem: Paranormal Activity.
Lizzie: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Gem: What does "take out" mean?
Katherine: Food.
Lizzie: Dating.
Pearl: Murder.
Shubble: It can be all three if you're brave enough.

Lizzie: What's this?
Joel, hugging Lizzie: Affection!
Lizzie: Disgusting.
Lizzie: ...Do it again.

Joel: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?
Lizzie: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.
Joel: Okay yeah thanks Lizzie, that's great but WHERE'S THE F***ING FIRST AID KIT?

Scott: Jimmy! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover.
Jimmy: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem.

Fwhip: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Sausage: *Struggling to hold a seagull* F***ing say that next time!